i would like to tear down the walls.
i'm feeling a little violent today... haha. sometimes i get these urges to physically hurt something to release bad energy from my system or something.... sounds kinda crazy, but it happens. and i'm not really one to blow up or get angry, at all! but there are just a handful of people whom i'd like to slap across the face........ just ONCE....... please. slap or punch. or kick. in the shin. hard... :)
it's unfortunate that i feel this way, but i do. and i'd like to justify it by adding that, the people i'd like to kick in the face are ones who have kicked my face without realizing it....oh ... so funny.
there must be a way to handle this in a healthy manner.. and i know there is. but sometimes i feel like we (stupid sinners) don't know any better and choose to go on the rockier, darker route to get to where we might need to be later... when in fact, there was a pre-made path set from the start.
bla bla blAH!! it's 3am and this whole sleeping past 3am thing is not something i want to keep up..... perhaps that's why i am so.... feeling unfortunate right now. :)
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
how deep?
sometimes i get lost in my own thoughts and never come to a conclusion as a result.
i question whether "depth" in ones personality is a good thing or a bad thing. recently, a semi-stranger/acquaintance told me that through my singing, they sensed that i have a "depth" about me. and i feel like i've heard comments like this before, from people who are really close to me... but i want to take a step back and complain. because it HURTS MY BRAIN to keep seesawing thoughts and weighing out the pros and cons and questioning my questioning about questions that perhaps i should not even be questioning...? and what usually comes out of this, is a total brain fart, where i just kinda let it go and let it be, without getting to the root of it and without satisfying my thirst. and sometimes, i'll admit, that the thirst is not always pure - as if i'm thirsting for some hard alcohol while pregnant. so perhaps in certain situations, not quenching my thirst is the better option.
but other times, i'm still left confused and just... frustrated that i even come up with unanswerables.
at the SAME time... when i can remember and because God is so gracious, i thank God for giving me a brain that functions, for giving my brain the capacity to think such thoughts, that usually remind me that He is greater than i - that nothing in this world is certain but Him.
and in the end... that brings me comfort, joy, and peace. but it takes some time, some pruning, for me to get there, because i am such a stubborn, selfish little sinner.
i question whether "depth" in ones personality is a good thing or a bad thing. recently, a semi-stranger/acquaintance told me that through my singing, they sensed that i have a "depth" about me. and i feel like i've heard comments like this before, from people who are really close to me... but i want to take a step back and complain. because it HURTS MY BRAIN to keep seesawing thoughts and weighing out the pros and cons and questioning my questioning about questions that perhaps i should not even be questioning...? and what usually comes out of this, is a total brain fart, where i just kinda let it go and let it be, without getting to the root of it and without satisfying my thirst. and sometimes, i'll admit, that the thirst is not always pure - as if i'm thirsting for some hard alcohol while pregnant. so perhaps in certain situations, not quenching my thirst is the better option.
but other times, i'm still left confused and just... frustrated that i even come up with unanswerables.
at the SAME time... when i can remember and because God is so gracious, i thank God for giving me a brain that functions, for giving my brain the capacity to think such thoughts, that usually remind me that He is greater than i - that nothing in this world is certain but Him.
and in the end... that brings me comfort, joy, and peace. but it takes some time, some pruning, for me to get there, because i am such a stubborn, selfish little sinner.
Monday, December 14, 2009
let go and let God...?
or, something along the lines of that...
but i'm wondering, really? in every situation, do i let it all "go" and let God take care of everything? there are still unanswered questions and thoughts that float around in my head that sometimes keep me from peacefully sleeping at night. i wonder if i have to let these thoughts just fade away, or do i have to seek the answers for them? there's a battle going on inside of me and it drives me nuts sometimes.
on a separate note... i've come to the conclusion (or near the conclusion) that i will never take a person's word to heart so quickly. it is SCARY though, because even those whom you have loved and those that have loved you, or say they've loved you, can quickly lose their credibility once that statement is no longer valid. the only example that comes to mind is, say a person makes a promise with you. then they break it.
seems like such a small example, right? but it speaks volumes...
but i'm wondering, really? in every situation, do i let it all "go" and let God take care of everything? there are still unanswered questions and thoughts that float around in my head that sometimes keep me from peacefully sleeping at night. i wonder if i have to let these thoughts just fade away, or do i have to seek the answers for them? there's a battle going on inside of me and it drives me nuts sometimes.
on a separate note... i've come to the conclusion (or near the conclusion) that i will never take a person's word to heart so quickly. it is SCARY though, because even those whom you have loved and those that have loved you, or say they've loved you, can quickly lose their credibility once that statement is no longer valid. the only example that comes to mind is, say a person makes a promise with you. then they break it.
seems like such a small example, right? but it speaks volumes...
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
cry a river, build a bridge
my good ol' buddy messaged me a quote that went something like this, "If someone you love hurt you, cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it." :) that made me smile, actually.
and in a way, that statement has a lot of truth in it. obviously we are not capable of getting over anything (or building anything for that matter) without the divine help of the One above... but the basic lesson of that statement is to eventually get over it. it's kinda like, so cry and whine and complain all you want, then do something about it, then everything should fall into place. it's a little harsh, but essentially, i think it's a pretty simple and to-the-point statement that we can directly apply to our lives in whatever way that it may apply...
and in a way, that statement has a lot of truth in it. obviously we are not capable of getting over anything (or building anything for that matter) without the divine help of the One above... but the basic lesson of that statement is to eventually get over it. it's kinda like, so cry and whine and complain all you want, then do something about it, then everything should fall into place. it's a little harsh, but essentially, i think it's a pretty simple and to-the-point statement that we can directly apply to our lives in whatever way that it may apply...
Sunday, December 6, 2009
unfair
life..... is....... not....... fair.........????????
life's not fair............?? i'm struggling with this statement today.
right now, to me, life is not fair. why do i feel this pain, and why was i the one hurt, and why do i have these questions that will never be answered? why do i wish for things and want things that will not come true? what will it take for me to bring everything to the cross? i want to see it finished and complete.. but do i, really? why aren't i then? do i perhaps not really want to go to the cross? where is Jesus? i want a better environment but i'm kinda stuck where i am right now. no place to go even if i wanted to leave. not sure. just really sure about being unsure.
life's not fair............?? i'm struggling with this statement today.
right now, to me, life is not fair. why do i feel this pain, and why was i the one hurt, and why do i have these questions that will never be answered? why do i wish for things and want things that will not come true? what will it take for me to bring everything to the cross? i want to see it finished and complete.. but do i, really? why aren't i then? do i perhaps not really want to go to the cross? where is Jesus? i want a better environment but i'm kinda stuck where i am right now. no place to go even if i wanted to leave. not sure. just really sure about being unsure.
Monday, November 30, 2009
The Tipping Point
Lamiah's question posted on 11/28/09, “Time concluded, ‘Ethics, often dismissed as a prissy Sunday School word, now is a new national debate’” (Larsen 22). Why, assuming we live in a rather “unethical” world, has unethical behavior progressed over the years? Is the problem, or part of it, that we believed good and honest behavior to be so “prissy” for so long and so we acted as “bad guys” to prove something? I am not referring to ethical behavior around the subjects of abortion, death penalty or adultery, but rather people’s choice to commit fraud, lie on a grand scale or purposely take advantage of others and/or incite them onto wrong-doing. The main question here is not how people should be punished for their actions, if at all, but why they committed those actions. Are we really worse now then we were ten years ago? Think of a current event where such behavior is apparent and relevant. How did the audience perceive the event? Does the reason it was done justify its means; for example, would a lie told by a presidential candidate be justified if its purpose was to win the election?
My response:
I agree with the quote mentioned in the beginning by Larsen, regarding the great impact the term "ethics" has made throughout the years. I also agree that over the years, humans have become increasingly "unethical" -- but only because we have been faced with more complex issues than the years before. The invisible scale that we measure the rights and wrongs of ethics on is still the same, but there are just a lot more things in between, is the way that I see it. Years ago, we did not even begin to fathom the question of hacking into a person's computer to steal a file or document for our own benefit. Today, it is a question that is often raised in our society. The game of ethics is still the same, but perhaps it is just played in a new way, with all these new additions to our lives, especially new forms of technology and communication that serve as tools for unethical behavior.
However, I do not think that we have thought that ethical behavior was "prissy" then, leaving it still to be "prissy" still today. I think that what is right will always be right, and there will be a reward for doing good things in the end, though it may be hard to believe at the moment, and as the saying goes, "what goes around, comes back around." In any case, whether it is a lie or it is the truth, I think the motive behind it all is the tipping point. A recent example would be the campaigns that we recently finished in class for the Communication Department Chair, in which Kelsey's group won. When we were voting, I couldn't help but think that the "honor system" in which we were voting was not the way to go about it. Not only was it because I questioned my very own colleagues, but more so because I was second guessing myself -- I wanted to check the box for my group so that we could win, so that our hard work could pay off -- all of these justifications came to mind, but I knew that the instant that these justifications came to my head, I was being unethical. I was thinking about cheating (though I knew I would not, in the end, cheat, I still had thoughts), and knew that it was wrong, but still, I pondered the thought of it. In this case, my reasons did not justify the act of cheating. On the other hand, if my aunt whom I had not seen for a very long time because she was ill, made a pie for Thanksgiving dinner especially for me because I love pie, but it turned out to be absolutely disgusting, what would I do? In this case, I would reason that, me acting as if the pie was delicious would not be unethical, although it clearly would be a lie in my head as well as in my taste buds. The fact that I can be able to fake that I appreciate someone else's hard work, in this situation, can justify my means for being "unethical," to an extent. The bottom line is, the motive behind my action or thought determines whether it is an ethical thing or not, and that is where the line is drawn.
Again, I wouldn't necessarily say that we are worse than we were ten years ago, but there are just so many more factors that tempt us to perhaps act more often upon doing "bad" things, solely because of the access to information we have now than we have ever had before. We tend to lie everyday, whether we know it or not. And maybe it has become such an innate thing, that we do not even notice that we fake a laugh or a smile just to satisfy the recipient. The way we ignore people, even by means of putting our noses into our mobile devices as we walk through campus to avoid professors and old roommates, show that unethical behavior is seen throughout the day, numerous times.
My response:
I agree with the quote mentioned in the beginning by Larsen, regarding the great impact the term "ethics" has made throughout the years. I also agree that over the years, humans have become increasingly "unethical" -- but only because we have been faced with more complex issues than the years before. The invisible scale that we measure the rights and wrongs of ethics on is still the same, but there are just a lot more things in between, is the way that I see it. Years ago, we did not even begin to fathom the question of hacking into a person's computer to steal a file or document for our own benefit. Today, it is a question that is often raised in our society. The game of ethics is still the same, but perhaps it is just played in a new way, with all these new additions to our lives, especially new forms of technology and communication that serve as tools for unethical behavior.
However, I do not think that we have thought that ethical behavior was "prissy" then, leaving it still to be "prissy" still today. I think that what is right will always be right, and there will be a reward for doing good things in the end, though it may be hard to believe at the moment, and as the saying goes, "what goes around, comes back around." In any case, whether it is a lie or it is the truth, I think the motive behind it all is the tipping point. A recent example would be the campaigns that we recently finished in class for the Communication Department Chair, in which Kelsey's group won. When we were voting, I couldn't help but think that the "honor system" in which we were voting was not the way to go about it. Not only was it because I questioned my very own colleagues, but more so because I was second guessing myself -- I wanted to check the box for my group so that we could win, so that our hard work could pay off -- all of these justifications came to mind, but I knew that the instant that these justifications came to my head, I was being unethical. I was thinking about cheating (though I knew I would not, in the end, cheat, I still had thoughts), and knew that it was wrong, but still, I pondered the thought of it. In this case, my reasons did not justify the act of cheating. On the other hand, if my aunt whom I had not seen for a very long time because she was ill, made a pie for Thanksgiving dinner especially for me because I love pie, but it turned out to be absolutely disgusting, what would I do? In this case, I would reason that, me acting as if the pie was delicious would not be unethical, although it clearly would be a lie in my head as well as in my taste buds. The fact that I can be able to fake that I appreciate someone else's hard work, in this situation, can justify my means for being "unethical," to an extent. The bottom line is, the motive behind my action or thought determines whether it is an ethical thing or not, and that is where the line is drawn.
Again, I wouldn't necessarily say that we are worse than we were ten years ago, but there are just so many more factors that tempt us to perhaps act more often upon doing "bad" things, solely because of the access to information we have now than we have ever had before. We tend to lie everyday, whether we know it or not. And maybe it has become such an innate thing, that we do not even notice that we fake a laugh or a smile just to satisfy the recipient. The way we ignore people, even by means of putting our noses into our mobile devices as we walk through campus to avoid professors and old roommates, show that unethical behavior is seen throughout the day, numerous times.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
relations
i feel so... so bad for him. and for her. if anyone ever spoke to me the way that he spoke to her... i would not be able to keep myself so composed as she did. and for that, i give her much "props" and much needed respect. but he... he does not give any respect but demands all of it for himself. let me tell you this- i will give that man all the respect i can give to a person, if he would match up to it. if he came to the point where respect was naturally overflowing from me (or her) to him, then there you have it, sir, all the respect that you've ever wanted.
and where i'm torn, is when i think about God. why does my dad not know God? why do i know God and why does my mom know God, but not my dad? there is a weight on my mother's shoulders because she knows she has to "put up" with my dad a lot of times just because he does not have the same values and beliefs as her... and for him to look at us church-goers and Jesus-lovers with a skeptical eye can put all the weight on a woman's shoulders, especially my mom's. of course she would like to share with her husband how her bible study went, how blessed the morning's service was, which scripture spoke to her that morning... but she can't. she bottles it up, reads in private, and does not share because her husband does not want to hear it.
so i have to rely on God that much more... that He may grant my mom even more patience and understanding, and that He may soften my dad's heart and give him an ear to listen.
a christian wife and an unbelieveing, uncooperative, unloving husband. at what point do the two separate? or are they stuck under the same roof for as long as they live, or until their only daughter moves out? or is it for financial reasons that they are still together? totally understandble. but how "secure" and "happy" and "content" can you be, no matter how financially secure or stable you are, when the man or woman you are tied with does not see eye-to-eye with you, does not show love to you, does not communicate with you?
i am interested in relationships.
why some work, why some don't.
why some work for a certain time, and then stop.
why relationships are the way they are, how they form, how they last, and how they end.
and where i'm torn, is when i think about God. why does my dad not know God? why do i know God and why does my mom know God, but not my dad? there is a weight on my mother's shoulders because she knows she has to "put up" with my dad a lot of times just because he does not have the same values and beliefs as her... and for him to look at us church-goers and Jesus-lovers with a skeptical eye can put all the weight on a woman's shoulders, especially my mom's. of course she would like to share with her husband how her bible study went, how blessed the morning's service was, which scripture spoke to her that morning... but she can't. she bottles it up, reads in private, and does not share because her husband does not want to hear it.
so i have to rely on God that much more... that He may grant my mom even more patience and understanding, and that He may soften my dad's heart and give him an ear to listen.
a christian wife and an unbelieveing, uncooperative, unloving husband. at what point do the two separate? or are they stuck under the same roof for as long as they live, or until their only daughter moves out? or is it for financial reasons that they are still together? totally understandble. but how "secure" and "happy" and "content" can you be, no matter how financially secure or stable you are, when the man or woman you are tied with does not see eye-to-eye with you, does not show love to you, does not communicate with you?
i am interested in relationships.
why some work, why some don't.
why some work for a certain time, and then stop.
why relationships are the way they are, how they form, how they last, and how they end.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
doors
today was eventful. i shed tears of... sadness and joy. i'm realizing that people i am attached to are soon leaving. relationships that i thought would/could take another step, are coming to a halt. change is coming, and i am super excited to see what the heck God has in store. i am excited, yet a bit in mourning because of the absence of beautiful smiles on Sunday morning.
that, and i am also going to declare... here on my lonely but lovely blog, that i am about to make the most out of my singleness. for as long as i'm single, i am about to accomplish some great things on my own under God's guidance, so that i can better equip my future husband, whom i am praying for now.
God, thank you for giving answers and for speaking to those who seek you earnestly. thank you, God, for being so patient with me.
they say, when one door shuts, another opens. in my case, i'd like to think that i am on a journey to discover all the doors in my life. i want to experience shutting and opening them as i move forward, focused on the prize that awaits me.
all i can say, is, "Ok, God." and follow. i'm in a bit of a mess right now. God, ease my heart... give me peace and understanding and j o y... help me want to seek... desperately. destroy me.
that, and i am also going to declare... here on my lonely but lovely blog, that i am about to make the most out of my singleness. for as long as i'm single, i am about to accomplish some great things on my own under God's guidance, so that i can better equip my future husband, whom i am praying for now.
God, thank you for giving answers and for speaking to those who seek you earnestly. thank you, God, for being so patient with me.
they say, when one door shuts, another opens. in my case, i'd like to think that i am on a journey to discover all the doors in my life. i want to experience shutting and opening them as i move forward, focused on the prize that awaits me.
all i can say, is, "Ok, God." and follow. i'm in a bit of a mess right now. God, ease my heart... give me peace and understanding and j o y... help me want to seek... desperately. destroy me.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
He doesn't need me
I'm just going to play off of that line i stated at the end of my previous post.... it's still resounding in my ear. maybe God's trying to reveal something to me. (funny how i have to type this all out... if i don't, i'm pretty sure i would have just been frustrated and cried my frustration to sleep).
i've heard it been said by Francis Chan, a pastor who is just soooo real. so loving. i can just feel it... through... the podcasts. haha. though i don't have a personal relationship with him, bless Francis Chan's heart for speaking to me even through these media outlets.
"God doesn't need me, but He wants me."
that statement alone, right now, is just so powerful. it makes me stop and just chew... chew a lot. so God... this God that i've been taught of, this God that i claim to have had a personal relationship with... yeah. i know it. i know just how GREAT and how powerful He is... really. no... wait.. no i don't. i only know how great He is to the extent of how my definition of "great" is, though He is, in fact incomprehendable.. so i cannot even fathom this greatness...
God is a God who is POWER. there is a whole history of His mighty works... almost unbelievable, but ask for faith, ask for His glory to be shown to you and ask for Him to break your HEART by revealing to you what He can do... and you will taste... just TASTE, like half of a sample of a taste, how powerful He is. i don't know the bible inside and out, but i do know a handful of stories that just amaze me. and i do believe it. i know it, because it is real to me.. it's real to me.... but i'm still struggling to swallow it all... well, at least that's the conclusion i'm coming to, because i can't seem to repent and fully lay my burdens at the foot of the cross.. which is what i should do, if the gospel is true for me.
and the gospel, the gospel to me, is this: that it has BEEN FINISHED. that it has been done when Christ died for me, when he was spat upon, when he suffered for me, when he DIED for MY sins... for the sins that this selfish, dirty, unworthy person have committed... this MAN WHO IS GOD DIED FOR ME. and why??? why would any crazy person do that? well, in this case, it's because he loved me. and he loves me. and he will always love me. aghhhhhh... and that's just soooo amazing... because you see, he died even before i was born.
so what else can i do but praise Him for the rest of my life until i get to see Him face-to-face after this short life on earth? and why the hell am i living like this, when i only get one life? i only get one life to live, one life to preachhhhhhhh the hell out of people.................. even my own family members...... why.. why...? wait... the first "why" is for, why am i not sharing this GOSPEL that i know, to them?.... and the second "why" is for, why don't they already know? why is it me that is sharing with them, and not them with me? why is it that i am someone who is aware of this, and they are people who are not? is it because i am chosen and they are not? does that mean my dad will be going to hell? or is it in my hands (though ultimately God working through me) to share the love of God to my dad? ah. confusion.
and someone once told me that confusion does NOT come from God.
so is this the evil one within me? .... actually, yeah. i can see that... that makes sense. i should be totally at peace if i have the peace of God. no questions, no confusion... because there should be none, if the Gospel of Christ is my life.
i totally went off a tangent or two here. i initially thought that i wanted to say more about God not needing me but wanting me.. but i guess it all ties together in the end.
so, this God.... God.. He wants me. and what kind of a person would do that? you have everything you could ever imagine. like, imagine yourself as a person who has everything: money, love, friends, joy, etc... well, i know this is not EVER going to be true, because you would be God if you had everything... but, in the most purest way, imagine yourself to be God (without any thought of wanting to be Him). see, you have everything. you have what you want, because.... you created it all. you even created these little extras called humans, who have failed you, though you made them. but since you ARE love, since you are soo good, you have the ability to love them so much that you want them.. you do not need them, heck no... but you want them...
that makes me feel good. it is such a good feeling to know that you are loved, and to feel it. i fail, too often, to BELIEVE what i say and what i hear. it touches me, sure, here and there i get some good points and a few tears, but when it CONVICTS me... that is when, i believe, and i hope, to become a different person. a woman who fears God. i know i'm on that track. but i also know it'll take time. because God is molding me right now, and i can feel it. it's just that i have to not allow Satan to continue poking at me. it's all good though- because God is on my side, He is in control of my life, and it's just up to me to just let go.... and let God..
i've heard it been said by Francis Chan, a pastor who is just soooo real. so loving. i can just feel it... through... the podcasts. haha. though i don't have a personal relationship with him, bless Francis Chan's heart for speaking to me even through these media outlets.
"God doesn't need me, but He wants me."
that statement alone, right now, is just so powerful. it makes me stop and just chew... chew a lot. so God... this God that i've been taught of, this God that i claim to have had a personal relationship with... yeah. i know it. i know just how GREAT and how powerful He is... really. no... wait.. no i don't. i only know how great He is to the extent of how my definition of "great" is, though He is, in fact incomprehendable.. so i cannot even fathom this greatness...
God is a God who is POWER. there is a whole history of His mighty works... almost unbelievable, but ask for faith, ask for His glory to be shown to you and ask for Him to break your HEART by revealing to you what He can do... and you will taste... just TASTE, like half of a sample of a taste, how powerful He is. i don't know the bible inside and out, but i do know a handful of stories that just amaze me. and i do believe it. i know it, because it is real to me.. it's real to me.... but i'm still struggling to swallow it all... well, at least that's the conclusion i'm coming to, because i can't seem to repent and fully lay my burdens at the foot of the cross.. which is what i should do, if the gospel is true for me.
and the gospel, the gospel to me, is this: that it has BEEN FINISHED. that it has been done when Christ died for me, when he was spat upon, when he suffered for me, when he DIED for MY sins... for the sins that this selfish, dirty, unworthy person have committed... this MAN WHO IS GOD DIED FOR ME. and why??? why would any crazy person do that? well, in this case, it's because he loved me. and he loves me. and he will always love me. aghhhhhh... and that's just soooo amazing... because you see, he died even before i was born.
so what else can i do but praise Him for the rest of my life until i get to see Him face-to-face after this short life on earth? and why the hell am i living like this, when i only get one life? i only get one life to live, one life to preachhhhhhhh the hell out of people.................. even my own family members...... why.. why...? wait... the first "why" is for, why am i not sharing this GOSPEL that i know, to them?.... and the second "why" is for, why don't they already know? why is it me that is sharing with them, and not them with me? why is it that i am someone who is aware of this, and they are people who are not? is it because i am chosen and they are not? does that mean my dad will be going to hell? or is it in my hands (though ultimately God working through me) to share the love of God to my dad? ah. confusion.
and someone once told me that confusion does NOT come from God.
so is this the evil one within me? .... actually, yeah. i can see that... that makes sense. i should be totally at peace if i have the peace of God. no questions, no confusion... because there should be none, if the Gospel of Christ is my life.
i totally went off a tangent or two here. i initially thought that i wanted to say more about God not needing me but wanting me.. but i guess it all ties together in the end.
so, this God.... God.. He wants me. and what kind of a person would do that? you have everything you could ever imagine. like, imagine yourself as a person who has everything: money, love, friends, joy, etc... well, i know this is not EVER going to be true, because you would be God if you had everything... but, in the most purest way, imagine yourself to be God (without any thought of wanting to be Him). see, you have everything. you have what you want, because.... you created it all. you even created these little extras called humans, who have failed you, though you made them. but since you ARE love, since you are soo good, you have the ability to love them so much that you want them.. you do not need them, heck no... but you want them...
that makes me feel good. it is such a good feeling to know that you are loved, and to feel it. i fail, too often, to BELIEVE what i say and what i hear. it touches me, sure, here and there i get some good points and a few tears, but when it CONVICTS me... that is when, i believe, and i hope, to become a different person. a woman who fears God. i know i'm on that track. but i also know it'll take time. because God is molding me right now, and i can feel it. it's just that i have to not allow Satan to continue poking at me. it's all good though- because God is on my side, He is in control of my life, and it's just up to me to just let go.... and let God..
but He wants me
What the heck is wrong with me? i know what i need to do, i know the problem, i know the solution, i'm well aware of it all... but why am i not following through...? the only answer i see is that, maybe, all of this just isn't as "BIG" to me... but i tell myself, "no. i DO know the extent of how important this all is. i DO know how "BIG" this is." yet, i do nothing. i sit and stare and ponder at how stupid and selfish i am for staying the same. i hate that i am just so freely allowing satan to grab foothold of me.. and even if it is just a pinky toe that he's gotten a hold of- that's all he needs to stop me from running to God.
excuses, excuses, excuses. they will always be there to comfort me, to make me feel like i'm okay to be where i'm at. but what is so frustrating is, that, i am almost 100% certain that i know the importance of the gospel. i've heard it been preached for the past... no wait... for.. my entire life. i even teach it. i tell others; i, to an extent, counsel others on this matter... i critique others. i judge. but i don't boast of my knowledge (because that in itself, for me, is very, very limited), but i can confidently say, "hey... yeah. i've heard it... i go to church." BUT to just say this, and to mutter this under my breath is what frustrates me even more. i frustrate myself.
i've said this for the past couple of weeks... and i know i have at least 2 people praying for me... but wow. i need Jesus back in my life, and i need Him to be more "real" to me than ever. gosh- and i know just how scary it is to be at the point where one becomes apathetic about their (non-extistent) relationship with Christ.
this, then, makes me question: do i even KNOW this Christ? if He is soooo great, if He "saved" me, and if He has "redeemed" me... why am i like this? why am i not compelled to go back to this savior that i (claim to) love?
there is so much effing pride within me. i hate my pride. or is it pride? what is it? what is in me that is just letting me be stagnant? laziness? maybe it's a bit of both.
i know what i need to do. i know what i want. but i don't feel the need to go get 'em. that's the dangerous point. but... i still have hope, i still have faith. and i praise God for that sooo much. His saving grace... my gosh. if it weren't for this hope and His love and this faith that He has allowed me to taste, then.... game over. i'd be done. i'd fail. but He just picks me up ever so slightly, ever so softly and ever so gently... He handles me so well. i am soo... unworthy. who the hell would want me in the midst of their righteousness, in their holy kingdom? He does not need me. He does not NEED you. He is all good in just Himself. wow... but see, the thing is.....
He wants me.
excuses, excuses, excuses. they will always be there to comfort me, to make me feel like i'm okay to be where i'm at. but what is so frustrating is, that, i am almost 100% certain that i know the importance of the gospel. i've heard it been preached for the past... no wait... for.. my entire life. i even teach it. i tell others; i, to an extent, counsel others on this matter... i critique others. i judge. but i don't boast of my knowledge (because that in itself, for me, is very, very limited), but i can confidently say, "hey... yeah. i've heard it... i go to church." BUT to just say this, and to mutter this under my breath is what frustrates me even more. i frustrate myself.
i've said this for the past couple of weeks... and i know i have at least 2 people praying for me... but wow. i need Jesus back in my life, and i need Him to be more "real" to me than ever. gosh- and i know just how scary it is to be at the point where one becomes apathetic about their (non-extistent) relationship with Christ.
this, then, makes me question: do i even KNOW this Christ? if He is soooo great, if He "saved" me, and if He has "redeemed" me... why am i like this? why am i not compelled to go back to this savior that i (claim to) love?
there is so much effing pride within me. i hate my pride. or is it pride? what is it? what is in me that is just letting me be stagnant? laziness? maybe it's a bit of both.
i know what i need to do. i know what i want. but i don't feel the need to go get 'em. that's the dangerous point. but... i still have hope, i still have faith. and i praise God for that sooo much. His saving grace... my gosh. if it weren't for this hope and His love and this faith that He has allowed me to taste, then.... game over. i'd be done. i'd fail. but He just picks me up ever so slightly, ever so softly and ever so gently... He handles me so well. i am soo... unworthy. who the hell would want me in the midst of their righteousness, in their holy kingdom? He does not need me. He does not NEED you. He is all good in just Himself. wow... but see, the thing is.....
He wants me.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
follow through
one of the most important techniques while playing tennis is to FOLLOW THROUGH on your swing... as it is with most other sports, i'm assuming (baseball- following through on your swing; football- following through on your throw).
but have you ever made a promise and never followed through on it? i think about the times i've said, "ok. i will devote x amount of hours to God this week in quiet time and prayer, at this time and this place." .....and i never do it. i do not follow through. the sad truth is, God is there when i make that promise (even if it's to myself) and there He is, at the end of the week, and i've basically just stood Him up. totally dissed Him, for lack of better words. and that just really tore me apart when i realized that...
how hurt would i be, if i were the one whose promise was unfulfilled due to someone's laziness?
but the best thing is.... man. God is just so good. He always loves us even though we stand Him up, lie to Him, break promises everyday... He always is faithful.
and when our burden gets heavy, He is there to lift it off our shoulders. we just need to seek Him and pray to Him, ask Him for His help and His mercy. God is totally able. that's just SO amazing, how, even though i might feel so burdened or hurt by someone or something, i can always just count on God to take those feelings of anger and hurt away.... but it'll only come if i seek His help and wisdom.
that's what i'm challenged to do today.
but have you ever made a promise and never followed through on it? i think about the times i've said, "ok. i will devote x amount of hours to God this week in quiet time and prayer, at this time and this place." .....and i never do it. i do not follow through. the sad truth is, God is there when i make that promise (even if it's to myself) and there He is, at the end of the week, and i've basically just stood Him up. totally dissed Him, for lack of better words. and that just really tore me apart when i realized that...
how hurt would i be, if i were the one whose promise was unfulfilled due to someone's laziness?
but the best thing is.... man. God is just so good. He always loves us even though we stand Him up, lie to Him, break promises everyday... He always is faithful.
and when our burden gets heavy, He is there to lift it off our shoulders. we just need to seek Him and pray to Him, ask Him for His help and His mercy. God is totally able. that's just SO amazing, how, even though i might feel so burdened or hurt by someone or something, i can always just count on God to take those feelings of anger and hurt away.... but it'll only come if i seek His help and wisdom.
that's what i'm challenged to do today.
Questions for Week 7
1. In the beginning of chapter 6, entitled, “The Psychology of Persuasion,” Woodward and Denton discuss three hypothetical constructs that serve as cognitive elements of persuasion: beliefs, attitudes, and values. A “belief” is defined as something we personally know to be true or false, “our convictions – even if others disagree” (page 133). However, the authors later mention that our ranking of beliefs change over time, giving the example of one’s view on abortion possibly changing after encountering a rape victim or becoming a parent. Do you think that knowledge gives us reason to believe? Or perhaps that personal experience or encounter cause one to believe? When talking about beliefs, I automatically think of words like, “religion,” “faith,” and “God.” Does more knowledge necessarily cause one to believe more or less in something? Or does it go beyond facts and figures, and perhaps “blind faith,” as some religious people may label it, to fully have belief in something?
2. The stimulus-response theory is described on page 139 by offering a behavioral model for persuasion. Woodward and Denton explain that, “the most famous example of this theory is Pavlov’s dog: each time the dog received food, a bell would ring. Soon, the sound of the bell alone was sufficient to make the animal salivate.” Is it true to you that you only learn what is right and what is wrong by hearing from someone who states that it is or is not? When do you know that you have not experienced a “conditioned outcome?” When we are constantly told that we are “good, beautiful, or smart (page 139)” by someone, is this really the only means of how we “learn” what behavior is acceptable and what is not? Lastly, is there perhaps another means to knowing how we come about what we agree and disagree with, or does it only come through others' attitudes and behaviors that trigger us to think the same way?
3. It is true that most audiences are attracted to the rich and famous, and to advertisements with their favorite celebrity as a spokesperson. The series of examples Woodward and Denton give on page 140 of their book regarding the Michelob advertisements and the painting by Smith and the painting by Picasso all serve as solid statements as to why these ads and the concept of “conditioning” work. However, do you think these ads are effective in that they not only attract audiences, but follow through in producing consumers in the end? We can give a round of applause to the creative directors for coming up with catchy phrases and appealing images, but just how effective are they? Do they perhaps, detract us away from these products because of the need to feel “unique” and go against the grain instead of with the crowd? It seems like, especially in today’s world, that people are striving for a sense of individuality. Do these advertisements using the concept of conditioning appeal to you, or, do they seem like just another advertorial or advertisement trying to suck you in to their strategy?
2. The stimulus-response theory is described on page 139 by offering a behavioral model for persuasion. Woodward and Denton explain that, “the most famous example of this theory is Pavlov’s dog: each time the dog received food, a bell would ring. Soon, the sound of the bell alone was sufficient to make the animal salivate.” Is it true to you that you only learn what is right and what is wrong by hearing from someone who states that it is or is not? When do you know that you have not experienced a “conditioned outcome?” When we are constantly told that we are “good, beautiful, or smart (page 139)” by someone, is this really the only means of how we “learn” what behavior is acceptable and what is not? Lastly, is there perhaps another means to knowing how we come about what we agree and disagree with, or does it only come through others' attitudes and behaviors that trigger us to think the same way?
3. It is true that most audiences are attracted to the rich and famous, and to advertisements with their favorite celebrity as a spokesperson. The series of examples Woodward and Denton give on page 140 of their book regarding the Michelob advertisements and the painting by Smith and the painting by Picasso all serve as solid statements as to why these ads and the concept of “conditioning” work. However, do you think these ads are effective in that they not only attract audiences, but follow through in producing consumers in the end? We can give a round of applause to the creative directors for coming up with catchy phrases and appealing images, but just how effective are they? Do they perhaps, detract us away from these products because of the need to feel “unique” and go against the grain instead of with the crowd? It seems like, especially in today’s world, that people are striving for a sense of individuality. Do these advertisements using the concept of conditioning appeal to you, or, do they seem like just another advertorial or advertisement trying to suck you in to their strategy?
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
tearfall
does the holy spirit only speak to those who seek it?
i know that if you seek the holy spirit, it will speak to you in its own way- but what about when the holy spirit moves in a person to do something... does that person need to be one who is constantly seeking the holy spirit? does that person need to be in the word to know if it is being sought by the holy spirit? this is just a thought that occurred to me tonight.
why i ask this, is because i think i have either been ignoring the holy spirit or ignoring my first instinct as of late. usually, this occurs in a group setting where i feel a desire to say something that's on my mind.. but i don't because of fear. i don't want to admit it, but i know that i'm a scaredy cat at heart, and fear the judgment of people- whether they will judge me or 'falsely' judge me. WHICH i should not even be afraid of, because i know (or say that i know) that it is FINISHED and forgiven and complete at the foot of the cross, where i have been redeemed.
aside from that, though.. i also have this "problem" where i tend to get very emotional over the tiniest things. someone will share a story or a praise report a a short prayer request and i feel like if i just have a 'moment' to myself, i can start bawling in tears for them. it's like i can almost feel what they are going through.
and when people tell you, "i understand... i know what you're going through..." usually, it means nothing because... well, no one can really understand to the extent that Jesus can. but sometimes i feel, like physically can feel the weight of their burden on my heart for some strange reason. it's not like i ask for it, but i sometimes can really, really empathize with that person, though i have not been in the same or even similar situation. or maybe they just touch a soft spot in my heart... the spot that brings about waterfalls from my eyes... tearfalls..?
basically, i want to be able to control my emotions. control my tears. because i feel like i will come off as a ''weak'' person, and very fragile and just emotional if i just let the reigns loose. and i do know that i am weak. but i want to be spiritually strong in the Lord and just not be ashamed anymore... and not have these chains straining me down. i need to repent of ignoring what may have been the holy spirit. but can one control their emotions? am i stopping the tears from falling or am i stopping the holy spirit to do its will? i want to stop the tears but i do not want to stop the spirit.
usually, a girl coming off as ''emotional'' is not the best thing. it has a negative vibe, at least it does for me when i hear that, "oh she's SO emotional...!" and to know that i kinda am this girl... sucks, honestly. because i dont like that stereotype. and to be dead honest, maybe i want to be strong on the outside because i am weak on the inside. and i know i am weak. but again, i want to be strong in Christ, and know this is possible. just look at the people of the Bible. only through Christ's grace did they endure hardship and trial- only to come out as a better servant to Him.
i hate crying. and i especially hate it when i cry in front of people. this is whyyyy i don't open up to many. this is why i don't ''share'' too much of my personal life and personal thoughts because i will just end up with a paper towel roll in my hand (because i prefer them over tissue).
but either i need to pray that God take away some tears...? or that He may be able to make me become okay and perhaps even proud of it, in a sense. but even that-- why must i need to know that it is "ok"?? this is really frustrating because i know that all my sins are TAKEN CARE OF! i know it. and i know that i know. but maybe, just maybe... i haven't let it sink it as deeply as i should... and maybe that's why i'm not really getting the big picture just yet.
i know that if you seek the holy spirit, it will speak to you in its own way- but what about when the holy spirit moves in a person to do something... does that person need to be one who is constantly seeking the holy spirit? does that person need to be in the word to know if it is being sought by the holy spirit? this is just a thought that occurred to me tonight.
why i ask this, is because i think i have either been ignoring the holy spirit or ignoring my first instinct as of late. usually, this occurs in a group setting where i feel a desire to say something that's on my mind.. but i don't because of fear. i don't want to admit it, but i know that i'm a scaredy cat at heart, and fear the judgment of people- whether they will judge me or 'falsely' judge me. WHICH i should not even be afraid of, because i know (or say that i know) that it is FINISHED and forgiven and complete at the foot of the cross, where i have been redeemed.
aside from that, though.. i also have this "problem" where i tend to get very emotional over the tiniest things. someone will share a story or a praise report a a short prayer request and i feel like if i just have a 'moment' to myself, i can start bawling in tears for them. it's like i can almost feel what they are going through.
and when people tell you, "i understand... i know what you're going through..." usually, it means nothing because... well, no one can really understand to the extent that Jesus can. but sometimes i feel, like physically can feel the weight of their burden on my heart for some strange reason. it's not like i ask for it, but i sometimes can really, really empathize with that person, though i have not been in the same or even similar situation. or maybe they just touch a soft spot in my heart... the spot that brings about waterfalls from my eyes... tearfalls..?
basically, i want to be able to control my emotions. control my tears. because i feel like i will come off as a ''weak'' person, and very fragile and just emotional if i just let the reigns loose. and i do know that i am weak. but i want to be spiritually strong in the Lord and just not be ashamed anymore... and not have these chains straining me down. i need to repent of ignoring what may have been the holy spirit. but can one control their emotions? am i stopping the tears from falling or am i stopping the holy spirit to do its will? i want to stop the tears but i do not want to stop the spirit.
usually, a girl coming off as ''emotional'' is not the best thing. it has a negative vibe, at least it does for me when i hear that, "oh she's SO emotional...!" and to know that i kinda am this girl... sucks, honestly. because i dont like that stereotype. and to be dead honest, maybe i want to be strong on the outside because i am weak on the inside. and i know i am weak. but again, i want to be strong in Christ, and know this is possible. just look at the people of the Bible. only through Christ's grace did they endure hardship and trial- only to come out as a better servant to Him.
i hate crying. and i especially hate it when i cry in front of people. this is whyyyy i don't open up to many. this is why i don't ''share'' too much of my personal life and personal thoughts because i will just end up with a paper towel roll in my hand (because i prefer them over tissue).
but either i need to pray that God take away some tears...? or that He may be able to make me become okay and perhaps even proud of it, in a sense. but even that-- why must i need to know that it is "ok"?? this is really frustrating because i know that all my sins are TAKEN CARE OF! i know it. and i know that i know. but maybe, just maybe... i haven't let it sink it as deeply as i should... and maybe that's why i'm not really getting the big picture just yet.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Charitie de Cheney Lees Smith Bancroft
what a fancy name. she is the author of these amazing lyrics:
Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea.
A great high Priest whose Name is Love
Who ever lives and pleads for me.
My name is graven on His hands,
My name is written on His heart.
I know that while in Heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart.
When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end of all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free.
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me.
Behold Him there the risen Lamb,
My perfect spotless righteousness,
The great unchangeable I AM,
The King of glory and of grace,
One in Himself I cannot die.
My soul is purchased by His blood,
My life is hid with Christ on high,
With Christ my Savior and my God!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Questions for Week 4
1. In a previous CMJR course, we discussed product placement and the power it holds in media today. Chapter five of Woodward and Denton suggests that "the person who has been the most effected by a persuasive message is the advocate who delivered it (page 108)." Combining these two concepts together, I'd like to give attention to product placements made by well-known celebrities and big-name films. Many influential figures are paid to put in a plug for a certain product, as Oprah repeatedly has done for Target, and sometimes product placement will take away from a TV show or a movie like "Love Happens," in which the commercials alone that Quest was a big part of the making of the film. In light of what Woodward and Denton suggest that the person who delivers the message is the most effected, how appropriate or ethical is it to have a person deliver a message they are not supportive of? Is the audience hurt more than the spokesperson in this case? What happens when the persuasive message is not supported personally by the person delivering it?
2. Ability is a fundamental factor in determining the quality of a source, according to Woodward and Denton on page 112. We are able to distinguish those who have the "ability to tell the truth or to make intelligent observations about a specific subject" by measuring their "authority." The majority of patients who see their doctors for medical attention would most likely want to see that their doctor has the credentials, expertise and "ability" to treat them. As a part of this class, we are required to blog. Now that we are a part of the rising blogosphere and to an extent, understand the power of a blog (such as the recent raves of food blogs and fashion blogs, etc.), how can we determine a blogger's "ability" to blog truthfully? As many restaurants like to frame their credentials and positive reviews from newspapers and hang them on their walls, should there be some kind of system implemented to distinguish bloggers who blog truthfully with good intentions and notable credentials, as opposed to bloggers who have neither credibility or authority who may even be a secret blogger for a larger organization? Given that anyone can "Google" search any subject and be able to choose their sources, how can we be sure that what we are reading is written by an author of ability?
3. Woodward and Denton mention Katie Couric of CBS of having a well known character and persona compared to that of Bill Keller, the executive director of the New York Times who "arguably has a larger role in setting the nation's daily news agenda (page 115)." Although we read the paper more often than we see Katie Couric's face, we tend to recognize her name because we can put a face and personality to it. Bill Keller on the other, though his "role in setting the nation's daily news agenda" is significantly larger than that of Couric's, is less recognized by name. Is the medium in which we as an audience get our information the determining factor of how credible a source is? Do we lean towards acknowledging Couric more, because we can put a face to the name? Or is print media more favorable because we can fill in that "gap" of the unknown?
2. Ability is a fundamental factor in determining the quality of a source, according to Woodward and Denton on page 112. We are able to distinguish those who have the "ability to tell the truth or to make intelligent observations about a specific subject" by measuring their "authority." The majority of patients who see their doctors for medical attention would most likely want to see that their doctor has the credentials, expertise and "ability" to treat them. As a part of this class, we are required to blog. Now that we are a part of the rising blogosphere and to an extent, understand the power of a blog (such as the recent raves of food blogs and fashion blogs, etc.), how can we determine a blogger's "ability" to blog truthfully? As many restaurants like to frame their credentials and positive reviews from newspapers and hang them on their walls, should there be some kind of system implemented to distinguish bloggers who blog truthfully with good intentions and notable credentials, as opposed to bloggers who have neither credibility or authority who may even be a secret blogger for a larger organization? Given that anyone can "Google" search any subject and be able to choose their sources, how can we be sure that what we are reading is written by an author of ability?
3. Woodward and Denton mention Katie Couric of CBS of having a well known character and persona compared to that of Bill Keller, the executive director of the New York Times who "arguably has a larger role in setting the nation's daily news agenda (page 115)." Although we read the paper more often than we see Katie Couric's face, we tend to recognize her name because we can put a face and personality to it. Bill Keller on the other, though his "role in setting the nation's daily news agenda" is significantly larger than that of Couric's, is less recognized by name. Is the medium in which we as an audience get our information the determining factor of how credible a source is? Do we lean towards acknowledging Couric more, because we can put a face to the name? Or is print media more favorable because we can fill in that "gap" of the unknown?
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
The Great (impossible) Escape
Dani’s question posted on Sunday, October 4, 2009:
“Can we as an audience escape the media? With the idea that “audiences must be exposed repeatedly to the same message”(Persuasion, 391), is this at all possible? The media has become like a virus and can infect every moment of our everyday. Do we consume the media, or does the media consume us?”
My Response:
We cannot disregard the fact that society is cluttered with millions of competing messages each day, of which we as an audience consume. As an audience of media, we are both consuming what type of media to take in, but only just as much as media tries to consume our everyday lives. As Chapter 13 of Woodward and Denton suggests, the human attention span is extremely short and easily distracted, so our chances of retaining information from a commercial is not very high. However, the amount of effort we put into “escaping” media will always be rebutted with media that repeatedly exposes itself to us. What I am suggesting, is that media will always find its way to consume us. Professionals of this field are out there who make this possible. Strategically, message makers will carefully select their visual images and typography in an advertisement that will catch the audience’s eye. There is no escaping media unless we fly away to a deserted island where no sign of commercial life is present (though on the way there we will be exposed with the airline’s suggestive messages in their logo, uniform color and design, etc.).
The Gestalt “laws” outline the way we perceive messages and images, and how we might find identity in relationship to these messages. Whether we group similar things together or fill in what is left out of the picture, we do so while being consumers of such messages. In response to Dani’s question, I would suggest that we as an audience cannot escape the media because it will come back to bite us after we’ve let go (or thought that we had). We are consumers of media but not by choice; message makers expose ideas and messages repeatedly so that they can consume their audience in the subtlest ways.
Though some of us are aware of seeing product placements, advertorials, and the same large billboards, sometimes this allows us to avoid being consumers of such products and services. Nevertheless, we have already made it a point to avoid such products, which suggests that these ads have already consumed our minds, to the point where we have to make the conscious choice to not be a consumer of such products and services.
“Can we as an audience escape the media? With the idea that “audiences must be exposed repeatedly to the same message”(Persuasion, 391), is this at all possible? The media has become like a virus and can infect every moment of our everyday. Do we consume the media, or does the media consume us?”
My Response:
We cannot disregard the fact that society is cluttered with millions of competing messages each day, of which we as an audience consume. As an audience of media, we are both consuming what type of media to take in, but only just as much as media tries to consume our everyday lives. As Chapter 13 of Woodward and Denton suggests, the human attention span is extremely short and easily distracted, so our chances of retaining information from a commercial is not very high. However, the amount of effort we put into “escaping” media will always be rebutted with media that repeatedly exposes itself to us. What I am suggesting, is that media will always find its way to consume us. Professionals of this field are out there who make this possible. Strategically, message makers will carefully select their visual images and typography in an advertisement that will catch the audience’s eye. There is no escaping media unless we fly away to a deserted island where no sign of commercial life is present (though on the way there we will be exposed with the airline’s suggestive messages in their logo, uniform color and design, etc.).
The Gestalt “laws” outline the way we perceive messages and images, and how we might find identity in relationship to these messages. Whether we group similar things together or fill in what is left out of the picture, we do so while being consumers of such messages. In response to Dani’s question, I would suggest that we as an audience cannot escape the media because it will come back to bite us after we’ve let go (or thought that we had). We are consumers of media but not by choice; message makers expose ideas and messages repeatedly so that they can consume their audience in the subtlest ways.
Though some of us are aware of seeing product placements, advertorials, and the same large billboards, sometimes this allows us to avoid being consumers of such products and services. Nevertheless, we have already made it a point to avoid such products, which suggests that these ads have already consumed our minds, to the point where we have to make the conscious choice to not be a consumer of such products and services.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
chusok
it breaks my heart SO much when i see my parents get into an argument. it actually physically hurts my insides, as if someone is clenching my heart in their hands and as if a big rock is trying to go down my throat. because my mom is saved and knows Christ and my dad doesn't, it makes things twice as hard in this marriage. i don't know what is right... we've been praying for my dad for QUITE some time now... and he did have a phase where he attended church somewhat regularly, but it's been a while since he's stepped foot into a sanctuary.
and sometimes i really wonder what my dad lives for. an answer might be, for me, his only daughter... but man. that just makes me so sad. because he does not know that he is on this earth for a purpose... and that Christ loves him so much. sure, he has co-workers, but he has no brothers... no men of Christ to follow and to just be "men" with. he is always at home... trying to come up with different hobbies... tuning pianos, making a guitar, collecting records, etc. but when is going to realize that this is not going to get him anywhere? i remember when he used to get calls from his mom in Korea... but he has lost both his parents in recent years.
i dont know why i'm hurting so much for him especially tonight though... but i think it's because it was chusok (korean thanksgiving) and he was reminded of his mom... he just seems so down lately. he even called in tomorrow and isn't going to work.
all i can do is to pray for him and be the best daughter that i can be. and it KILLS me because i am not the daughter that i want to be... at least not yet.
and sometimes i really wonder what my dad lives for. an answer might be, for me, his only daughter... but man. that just makes me so sad. because he does not know that he is on this earth for a purpose... and that Christ loves him so much. sure, he has co-workers, but he has no brothers... no men of Christ to follow and to just be "men" with. he is always at home... trying to come up with different hobbies... tuning pianos, making a guitar, collecting records, etc. but when is going to realize that this is not going to get him anywhere? i remember when he used to get calls from his mom in Korea... but he has lost both his parents in recent years.
i dont know why i'm hurting so much for him especially tonight though... but i think it's because it was chusok (korean thanksgiving) and he was reminded of his mom... he just seems so down lately. he even called in tomorrow and isn't going to work.
all i can do is to pray for him and be the best daughter that i can be. and it KILLS me because i am not the daughter that i want to be... at least not yet.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
1
being alone is something everyone should be familiar with.
feeling alone is also something that all have once visited - some, a few too many times more than others. but are you familiar with this certain type of alone-ness that consumes you even when you are surrounded by people and have loving parents at home? i'm not sure what it is that i'm going through right now, but i am aware of two things:
1. i need to surround myself with positive people and good women whom i aspire to be like and can be inspired by, and,
2. i must find my identity in Christ alone. if i keep falling back to the same questions of 'who am i'/'who makes me happy'/'what should i do?'... etc, then i will get no where- unless... i know who i am through Christ alone.
and though i am aware of these things, it is SO MUCH EASIER WRITTEN AND SAID THAN DONE.
where am i going to suddenly find a community in which i can trust and have a sisterly bond like no other, when i am surrounded by... what i have now? i acknowledge that i have sisters around me, but some are too physically far away and literally hard to reach. others are younger than i, others do not share the same values as i (in Christ, i mean). and others are brothers, whom i can relate to on some level, but... i cannot cry honestly in front of them when i am at that time of the month and am sad & angry for no apparent reason.
and i am on the verge of thinking that... maybe i don't need a relationship (with the opposite sex, in a romantic way) after all. at least not now. UNLESS... he knows how to fill this void in the correct way... which would probably mean that he would just lead me to Christ... but sometimes, there CAN be "right" words to say, and "right" things to do instead of preaching to the choir.
i forget where i came about this quote, but it really made me take a step back and examine my life:
"how you spend your days is how you spend your life."
and i'm beginning to realize that... i do not want this to be true for me right now, though it is inevitable. i feel like i am constantly waiting... just sitting in the waiting room, browsing through magazines, flipping through channels, watching other patients go in and out, while examining every other detail in the waiting room as i wait for my turn.
but when is my turn? and what am i even waiting for? i must... be... ready... always be ready. but right now, i am not. i am far from it.
i feel very alone right now and confused. i feel like i know where to go and what i could do... but i just don't do it for some reason. is it my pride? is it my selfishness? is it my fear? i just wish i had someone physically by my side to help me. but my favorite sister is in a different country right now, and my favorite brother is with his friends. my dad is asleep and my mom is at work. i know i have Jesus inside of me, but sometimes it's just hard to believe because sometimes... i feel empty inside. either empty or full of trash ... that needs to be thrown out. immediately.
feeling alone is also something that all have once visited - some, a few too many times more than others. but are you familiar with this certain type of alone-ness that consumes you even when you are surrounded by people and have loving parents at home? i'm not sure what it is that i'm going through right now, but i am aware of two things:
1. i need to surround myself with positive people and good women whom i aspire to be like and can be inspired by, and,
2. i must find my identity in Christ alone. if i keep falling back to the same questions of 'who am i'/'who makes me happy'/'what should i do?'... etc, then i will get no where- unless... i know who i am through Christ alone.
and though i am aware of these things, it is SO MUCH EASIER WRITTEN AND SAID THAN DONE.
where am i going to suddenly find a community in which i can trust and have a sisterly bond like no other, when i am surrounded by... what i have now? i acknowledge that i have sisters around me, but some are too physically far away and literally hard to reach. others are younger than i, others do not share the same values as i (in Christ, i mean). and others are brothers, whom i can relate to on some level, but... i cannot cry honestly in front of them when i am at that time of the month and am sad & angry for no apparent reason.
and i am on the verge of thinking that... maybe i don't need a relationship (with the opposite sex, in a romantic way) after all. at least not now. UNLESS... he knows how to fill this void in the correct way... which would probably mean that he would just lead me to Christ... but sometimes, there CAN be "right" words to say, and "right" things to do instead of preaching to the choir.
i forget where i came about this quote, but it really made me take a step back and examine my life:
"how you spend your days is how you spend your life."
and i'm beginning to realize that... i do not want this to be true for me right now, though it is inevitable. i feel like i am constantly waiting... just sitting in the waiting room, browsing through magazines, flipping through channels, watching other patients go in and out, while examining every other detail in the waiting room as i wait for my turn.
but when is my turn? and what am i even waiting for? i must... be... ready... always be ready. but right now, i am not. i am far from it.
i feel very alone right now and confused. i feel like i know where to go and what i could do... but i just don't do it for some reason. is it my pride? is it my selfishness? is it my fear? i just wish i had someone physically by my side to help me. but my favorite sister is in a different country right now, and my favorite brother is with his friends. my dad is asleep and my mom is at work. i know i have Jesus inside of me, but sometimes it's just hard to believe because sometimes... i feel empty inside. either empty or full of trash ... that needs to be thrown out. immediately.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
onions
we're all like onions.
we have many layers to us.. some dirty and some clean, but we each have multiple layers.
if only we were to share our peels with one another, and slowly thin out our layers, will we begin to see the realness each one of us can bring to the table.
some might think they don't have much depth to them, that they don't have many layers to take off, when in fact they have not yet TRIED to share their peels. once they do, they will probably realize how much of a relief it can be to share your life with fellow humans... we need to engage in onion-peeling time with one another.
we have many layers to us.. some dirty and some clean, but we each have multiple layers.
if only we were to share our peels with one another, and slowly thin out our layers, will we begin to see the realness each one of us can bring to the table.
some might think they don't have much depth to them, that they don't have many layers to take off, when in fact they have not yet TRIED to share their peels. once they do, they will probably realize how much of a relief it can be to share your life with fellow humans... we need to engage in onion-peeling time with one another.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
fear
i have this problem where i am deathly afraid of man. (not men as in boys and cooties, but man as in human).
and "deathly" afraid is an overstatement but it's somewhat close... i lack words at the moment.
the thought of it is SO bizarre, though, that i would fear an equal... that i would fear man. what can man do to me? if i proclaim that i have all i need and my treasures are stored in a place other than this world, then why would i FEAR man? i have no reason to...
it's a struggle that i am trying to get over.. this fear of man that i have, i don't want it to get any bigger than it is now. it could potentially keep me from doing what i love, it could stab me behind my back, and it will stunt any growing in faith.
why are we so afraid of what people think of us? rejection? rejection from fellow sinners? we should focus on being accepted into the kingdom of God instead... but maybe we're already accepted, and we just have to follow through on the invitation...
i think i have a lot of random things going through my mind right now. i wish i were more rooted in the Word so i could better understand my own questions regarding the gospel. i need doctrine! what do i even believe? how do people attend church and say they are christian when they do not know faith and its complexity...
and "deathly" afraid is an overstatement but it's somewhat close... i lack words at the moment.
the thought of it is SO bizarre, though, that i would fear an equal... that i would fear man. what can man do to me? if i proclaim that i have all i need and my treasures are stored in a place other than this world, then why would i FEAR man? i have no reason to...
it's a struggle that i am trying to get over.. this fear of man that i have, i don't want it to get any bigger than it is now. it could potentially keep me from doing what i love, it could stab me behind my back, and it will stunt any growing in faith.
why are we so afraid of what people think of us? rejection? rejection from fellow sinners? we should focus on being accepted into the kingdom of God instead... but maybe we're already accepted, and we just have to follow through on the invitation...
i think i have a lot of random things going through my mind right now. i wish i were more rooted in the Word so i could better understand my own questions regarding the gospel. i need doctrine! what do i even believe? how do people attend church and say they are christian when they do not know faith and its complexity...
Sunday, August 23, 2009
sleepover
last night/this morning i slept over at my best friend sara's house because her parents went away for the weekend and she was just recently experiencing "gawee," or, a type of sleep paralysis that has to deal with a spiritual encounter with satan as well. i slept next to her so that maybe i could "pray the hell outta her" if it were to happen again, but little did i know, i experienced my first encounter about 20 minutes ago from now.
i was half-awake, and i was actually trying to look over to see whether sara was doing okay because i felt something in me that she wasn't. as i tried to turn over, i was paralyzed and could not move my body- i couldn't even speak or let anything come out of my mouth. the first thoughts that came to mind were to repeat "help sara, help sara" because i think i was in a state of shock and didn't know what else to say.... i was meaning to pray, though. which i did after i "unfroze." but this lasted for no more than probably 30 seconds, but it was enough to let me know that there is a God, He is real, and so is satan.
that's why i'm still awake, because i don't want to go back to that paralyzed fear, where i felt a lot of weight pressing against me so that i just could not physically move. i tried to scream out something, but nothing but my own breath came out - absolutely no sound.
i was half-awake, and i was actually trying to look over to see whether sara was doing okay because i felt something in me that she wasn't. as i tried to turn over, i was paralyzed and could not move my body- i couldn't even speak or let anything come out of my mouth. the first thoughts that came to mind were to repeat "help sara, help sara" because i think i was in a state of shock and didn't know what else to say.... i was meaning to pray, though. which i did after i "unfroze." but this lasted for no more than probably 30 seconds, but it was enough to let me know that there is a God, He is real, and so is satan.
that's why i'm still awake, because i don't want to go back to that paralyzed fear, where i felt a lot of weight pressing against me so that i just could not physically move. i tried to scream out something, but nothing but my own breath came out - absolutely no sound.
Friday, July 17, 2009
anniversary
there are so many things that i WANT but don't NEED and cannot really afford.... well.... i take that back - i suppose i could whip out a credit card and max it out if i really wanted to, but i'm not the type to really splurge. but for some reason, i have this real craving to spend some money. why does it happen to be when i am unemployed and nordstrom's anniversary sale is going on? why, why, why?
i also wish there were more bus routes from my home to seattle... er, seattle university in particular. it's a drag to wake up 2 hours early before class to commute on the hot bus ride only to transfer in the middle of downtown to get TO class. and you're restricted by all these time charts and have a silent curfew.
i think i'm in complain-mode because i'm broke and want to shop. but sometimes you have to bite your lip and keep it in - BECAUSE IT'S NOT NECESSARY......... this is what i will say to myself...
but the other side of me says, you only live once.
i also wish there were more bus routes from my home to seattle... er, seattle university in particular. it's a drag to wake up 2 hours early before class to commute on the hot bus ride only to transfer in the middle of downtown to get TO class. and you're restricted by all these time charts and have a silent curfew.
i think i'm in complain-mode because i'm broke and want to shop. but sometimes you have to bite your lip and keep it in - BECAUSE IT'S NOT NECESSARY......... this is what i will say to myself...
but the other side of me says, you only live once.
Monday, July 13, 2009
almost a decade
i had this sudden twang of feeling that made me take a step back and look at my surroundings. i almost don't want to be surrounded by the same people anymore. the kind that i'm so used to and so comfortable with... i almost want to immerse myself in a new culture and become familiar with the unfamiliar just to get out of my comfort zone and to taste what other flavors there are out there for me.
it's true that i've been within this "group" that might not be any more than another social group, for almost ten years. this place i call church has been a part of my life, and maybe it's become a lifestyle for me to a certain extent. but why do i limit myself to clinging on only to the korean brothers and sisters of this society, of this world? we are all made to love one another no matter what class, gender or race we are.
and what is it that is making me hold back? i've wanted to taste the waters of another well for some long time now, but there's always been something to hold me back and leave me at the same old well that i've been at. it's not like i'm some sort of saviour that might i stay, the walls of the church would come crashing down or the pews will suddenly be packed and joyous hands will be lifted... it's not like that. it is not my church but it is God's. but why do i keep thinking that i can do something to stir this well? why do i feel that if i leave, my absence will be of some significance that i cannot bear to leave? i am not a saviour. i am not God. God is God and the church is His... only He can change it and those within....
now... if only my brothers and sisters would get slapped in the face by SOMETHING to realize what mess they are in! their souls are so dark and angry, so confused, lost and bitter that they have grown to become apathetic about their spirituality and relationship with their first true love.
God... slap them.
slap us.
slap me.
it's true that i've been within this "group" that might not be any more than another social group, for almost ten years. this place i call church has been a part of my life, and maybe it's become a lifestyle for me to a certain extent. but why do i limit myself to clinging on only to the korean brothers and sisters of this society, of this world? we are all made to love one another no matter what class, gender or race we are.
and what is it that is making me hold back? i've wanted to taste the waters of another well for some long time now, but there's always been something to hold me back and leave me at the same old well that i've been at. it's not like i'm some sort of saviour that might i stay, the walls of the church would come crashing down or the pews will suddenly be packed and joyous hands will be lifted... it's not like that. it is not my church but it is God's. but why do i keep thinking that i can do something to stir this well? why do i feel that if i leave, my absence will be of some significance that i cannot bear to leave? i am not a saviour. i am not God. God is God and the church is His... only He can change it and those within....
now... if only my brothers and sisters would get slapped in the face by SOMETHING to realize what mess they are in! their souls are so dark and angry, so confused, lost and bitter that they have grown to become apathetic about their spirituality and relationship with their first true love.
God... slap them.
slap us.
slap me.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
old emails
i am such a pack rat.
recently, i had my room cleaned by two friends who really WANTED to clean my room for me. i was grateful, and i must say, i haven't ever seen my room be so spotless before. but as we were organizing and putting things into garbage bags, i was reminded of how much i hold on to old things for unnecessary periods of time. clothes i'd never wear but hold on to because of some meaning, old pens and stationary, broken jewelry, receipts.. etc.. i always have a hard time letting go of these things.
but even though my closet is a lot more empty now, it doesn't mean that my mind or heart have been cleared of the past.
no matter how much you want to forget and let go of the past, sometimes it creeps upon you without notice. like today, i was just going through old emails and deleting spam, and came across some emails that seemed so genuine and real at the time.. but a couple years later, here i am reading those same words and they have absolutely no truth in them now. it's scary how people's feelings and thoughts change. it just proves that you cannot trust anyone in this world except for God. He is the only one that will never cheat, never fail, never disappoint you.
i hope and pray that i will soon be able to let go of some things in my past. but it's not that easy when i sometimes catch myself digging through the bags of garbage to be thrown out. i think i'm a pack rat in the sense that i strongly think that some things will come back or come in to use someday. but i really must work on that part of myself so that i can move on without any extra baggage... because sometimes it's just so darn heavy.
recently, i had my room cleaned by two friends who really WANTED to clean my room for me. i was grateful, and i must say, i haven't ever seen my room be so spotless before. but as we were organizing and putting things into garbage bags, i was reminded of how much i hold on to old things for unnecessary periods of time. clothes i'd never wear but hold on to because of some meaning, old pens and stationary, broken jewelry, receipts.. etc.. i always have a hard time letting go of these things.
but even though my closet is a lot more empty now, it doesn't mean that my mind or heart have been cleared of the past.
no matter how much you want to forget and let go of the past, sometimes it creeps upon you without notice. like today, i was just going through old emails and deleting spam, and came across some emails that seemed so genuine and real at the time.. but a couple years later, here i am reading those same words and they have absolutely no truth in them now. it's scary how people's feelings and thoughts change. it just proves that you cannot trust anyone in this world except for God. He is the only one that will never cheat, never fail, never disappoint you.
i hope and pray that i will soon be able to let go of some things in my past. but it's not that easy when i sometimes catch myself digging through the bags of garbage to be thrown out. i think i'm a pack rat in the sense that i strongly think that some things will come back or come in to use someday. but i really must work on that part of myself so that i can move on without any extra baggage... because sometimes it's just so darn heavy.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
when to take a seat
today, as i was heading out the door from my brief internship hour at The Voice (a free newspaper for the nonprofit organization, Neighborhood House), i made eye contact with the executive director as he was sitting in his office. i noticed that his door was always wide open - which allowed us to always share hellos and smiles as i made my way out the door.
but today, due to meeting deadlines and preparing for an annual breakfast event, i only stayed in my part of the office for half the time i usually am there. this allowed me to take my time with executive director, Mark, and to sit down and be enlightened.
it was awkward at first, i was standing leaning against the doorway talking to him about the speech he had to prepare, and how i took a speech course once... and we talked about speeches for about 10 minutes. then i realized that this conversation was going to get deeper and more meaningful than i had thought - so i asked if i could take a seat.
and that's when he started talking about non-profits, and what the difference really was, and why he chose to take a cut in wage when he was making double the amount he was now, when he had worked for a government-related job (before Neighborhood House). he also told me about a mentor that might be of help to me, and was extremely helpful when i asked him stupid questions regarding what a non-profit was about, and how i wasn't sure of the field i was going into, and so on.
then he emails me (which was bittersweet; i wanted to send him a thank you note first, but he beat me to it...), giving me another reference and another connection to a different company... he has many friends in high places, i'm assuming. and he asked me to keep him updated on my schooling and interests.
i've never had a real opportunity like this fall onto my lap so randomly, and i almost don't know how to take it. but i'm determined to make this connection a tight one, because i really like the man and he seems very trustworthy.
anyways. i'm just feeling really good about that talk this morning and how encouraging his words were. the conversation was about 40 minutes.
each experience will lead you closer and closer to your ultimate career; the thing you are passionate about. here's a line he just emailed me:
but today, due to meeting deadlines and preparing for an annual breakfast event, i only stayed in my part of the office for half the time i usually am there. this allowed me to take my time with executive director, Mark, and to sit down and be enlightened.
it was awkward at first, i was standing leaning against the doorway talking to him about the speech he had to prepare, and how i took a speech course once... and we talked about speeches for about 10 minutes. then i realized that this conversation was going to get deeper and more meaningful than i had thought - so i asked if i could take a seat.
and that's when he started talking about non-profits, and what the difference really was, and why he chose to take a cut in wage when he was making double the amount he was now, when he had worked for a government-related job (before Neighborhood House). he also told me about a mentor that might be of help to me, and was extremely helpful when i asked him stupid questions regarding what a non-profit was about, and how i wasn't sure of the field i was going into, and so on.
then he emails me (which was bittersweet; i wanted to send him a thank you note first, but he beat me to it...), giving me another reference and another connection to a different company... he has many friends in high places, i'm assuming. and he asked me to keep him updated on my schooling and interests.
i've never had a real opportunity like this fall onto my lap so randomly, and i almost don't know how to take it. but i'm determined to make this connection a tight one, because i really like the man and he seems very trustworthy.
anyways. i'm just feeling really good about that talk this morning and how encouraging his words were. the conversation was about 40 minutes.
each experience will lead you closer and closer to your ultimate career; the thing you are passionate about. here's a line he just emailed me:
"Along your journey you will amass friends, colleagues and acquaintances who will serve as important resources to you. You will learn to sort out the positive, healthy people and as long as you too are positive and healthy, you will attract those individuals into your life." -Mark Okazaki.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
hotels to libraries
i had an extremely brief conversation with a local librarian today as she was on the phone with a librarian at another branch, asking about the book i had put on hold. in between reading out the call number and saying "thank you," she managed to ask me about the book i checked out, if it had to do anything with my major, and if i was planning on taking summer classes. i told her that the book i checked out was to help me on an essay i had to write, and that my major was communications-related, but i didn't know if that was the field i wanted to go into, and that i was looking for an internship and a job this summer.
in return, the lady librarian told me that she declared her major in hotel management, and that she had done some work related to that for several years in vermont, until she figured that it was time to give back to her community in some way. for the past eighteen years, she has been a librarian, and i could tell from the way she talked about it, that being a librarian was her passion. she loves what she does so much.
so, i feel somewhat at ease... a bit more at peace after talking with this stranger with frizzy red hair and glasses. she kind of reminded me of carrie from "sex and the city." i am in no hurry to graduate (especially in these economic times), and i should just shoot for one thing and go at it for a while, until another, stronger passion and desire strikes me.
now the catch is... where do i start? what IS that first desire of mine, and what road do i want to take a drive on first?
in return, the lady librarian told me that she declared her major in hotel management, and that she had done some work related to that for several years in vermont, until she figured that it was time to give back to her community in some way. for the past eighteen years, she has been a librarian, and i could tell from the way she talked about it, that being a librarian was her passion. she loves what she does so much.
so, i feel somewhat at ease... a bit more at peace after talking with this stranger with frizzy red hair and glasses. she kind of reminded me of carrie from "sex and the city." i am in no hurry to graduate (especially in these economic times), and i should just shoot for one thing and go at it for a while, until another, stronger passion and desire strikes me.
now the catch is... where do i start? what IS that first desire of mine, and what road do i want to take a drive on first?
Monday, May 18, 2009
rest in peace
my dad told me that today his mother passed away in Korea.
he said it was a good thing that i had gone to see her this past year while i was in Korea from August to January. i wish i had said a more sincere goodbye.
you just never know when your time will come... you only know that it will.
now, i don't have any grandparents. my mom's father died when she was my age, and her mother died a few years ago, along with my dad's father.
i'm sure it's like this with a lot of people out there, but when your loved one loses a loved one, it really hurts. i was never too close with my grandmother in Seoul, but to know that my father now has no parents, and no mother to call once in a while, just hurts me. the same applies to my mom.
i'm supposed to write an obituary, after i've supposedly lived a long and filling life, for a class by this wednesday. in it, i'm supposed to tell of the things that i (would like to) have done, and the things most dear to me, and so on. i haven't thought it about too much yet, but i suppose i should get started soon. it's not supposed to be a depressing assignment though-- instead, it's supposed to help us figure out and map out what is really meaningful to us and what we would have like to accomplished before our time is up...
--
i got back from Boston yesterday to see my best friend graduate from BU. it's amazing how fast time flies and how things have changed throughout the span of just four years of life.
i guess i'm just in wonder and in awe of what time on earth really means, and how long we have. the only answer i can think of is that it is uncertain and we don't know.
he said it was a good thing that i had gone to see her this past year while i was in Korea from August to January. i wish i had said a more sincere goodbye.
you just never know when your time will come... you only know that it will.
now, i don't have any grandparents. my mom's father died when she was my age, and her mother died a few years ago, along with my dad's father.
i'm sure it's like this with a lot of people out there, but when your loved one loses a loved one, it really hurts. i was never too close with my grandmother in Seoul, but to know that my father now has no parents, and no mother to call once in a while, just hurts me. the same applies to my mom.
i'm supposed to write an obituary, after i've supposedly lived a long and filling life, for a class by this wednesday. in it, i'm supposed to tell of the things that i (would like to) have done, and the things most dear to me, and so on. i haven't thought it about too much yet, but i suppose i should get started soon. it's not supposed to be a depressing assignment though-- instead, it's supposed to help us figure out and map out what is really meaningful to us and what we would have like to accomplished before our time is up...
--
i got back from Boston yesterday to see my best friend graduate from BU. it's amazing how fast time flies and how things have changed throughout the span of just four years of life.
i guess i'm just in wonder and in awe of what time on earth really means, and how long we have. the only answer i can think of is that it is uncertain and we don't know.
Friday, May 8, 2009
letting go but holding on
it's interesting to try to grasp the concept of forgetting someone whom you've shared a meaningful relationship with - whether it be a friendship, boy/girlfriend, mother/father, etc.
usually, you are "letting go" but you don't really want to because of the initial bond that underlies everything else... including all hatred, jealousy, and bitterness.
i know that i have been "let go" of before, and once i realized that our relationship no longer meant what it had been for so many years, i was pretty shocked. devastated, sad and confused, yet shocked above all else because i never would have thought that they would let go so easily. there was no gruesome war or fist fight... which made it really hard to swallow my pride and come to the reality that we were no longer friends, because of that person's choice to let go.
i'm not sure really where i'm going with this, but recently i've been thinking about my relationships with people, and what i mean to them and them to me. some of these people whom i know, i love and care for so much that i will probably never allow myself to let go of them, even if they try to detach themselves from me.
but then again, who knows what could happen? my thoughts can always change...
so i think the only answer is the one i despise most: time.
only through time will you grow to love, and only through time will you slowly lose grip and finally let go.
usually, you are "letting go" but you don't really want to because of the initial bond that underlies everything else... including all hatred, jealousy, and bitterness.
i know that i have been "let go" of before, and once i realized that our relationship no longer meant what it had been for so many years, i was pretty shocked. devastated, sad and confused, yet shocked above all else because i never would have thought that they would let go so easily. there was no gruesome war or fist fight... which made it really hard to swallow my pride and come to the reality that we were no longer friends, because of that person's choice to let go.
i'm not sure really where i'm going with this, but recently i've been thinking about my relationships with people, and what i mean to them and them to me. some of these people whom i know, i love and care for so much that i will probably never allow myself to let go of them, even if they try to detach themselves from me.
but then again, who knows what could happen? my thoughts can always change...
so i think the only answer is the one i despise most: time.
only through time will you grow to love, and only through time will you slowly lose grip and finally let go.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
old journals
i was getting ready to go to bed last night, but wasn't in the greatest mood. i felt like i really needed to read some scripture before heading to bed in order for me to feel somewhat at peace. but it turned out that my bible was nowhere to be found! so i searched for my other bible, the one with bigger font and i keep at home... but i just couldn't find where it was either. i don't know if i was over-reacting, but i just felt like satan was really getting in the way of what i wanted. i had a huge craving for reading scripture (which i don't normally get all the time) and JUST when i feel like i needed it the most, it was unavailable. i felt kind of defeated, in a weird way.
so instead, i read an old journal that i had written in during the year 2007. and man, the stuff i write in these journals of mine... bring me to tears.. haha. how sad is that? but i realized that people have definitely had their effect on me, and in particular, a couple of guys definitely did. and i just didn't like reading these entries about things that are so small compared to the bigger picture. but i did realize that some of my prayer requests have changed... i used to pray a certain prayer for someone, but now it's not the case. some prayers change over time, i guess. which i find odd to take in...
anyway. i just feel really empty right now because i'm not filling myself up with what i want- but more importantly, what i need.
i really wish i had a core group of faithful, God-fearing people around me to encourage and be encouraged by. how amazing would it be to replace all of our conversations about celebrity gossip, pop stars, movies and clothes with the wonders of God, spiritual battles, the hunger in our hearts, and everyday blessings? i wonder if this is what we all long for, but no one is the first to bring it up. but i'm also aware that these groups of people do exist... so in that case, maybe it's me who needs to bring it up. i'm not saying that we need to be citing the words of Jesus every minute, but... i guess for me, i just don't get much of that, and it's something i crave.
i was struck with a puzzling but real quote i heard the other day.. and i think it was probably from a sermon, but it was regarding Jesus' coming. what will you be doing when Jesus comes? He can come at any time, at any moment in our lives... do you really want to be watching TV or getting drunk, or swearing at your enemy when Jesus comes? i don't know.. it just made me step back a bit and think about what i should be doing in preparation for His coming.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
it doesn't feel like service when you're in love
this is an entry copy and pasted from my xanga 4/7/09 entry... just wanted to reflect upon it again.
when you are in love with someone, you are willing to do anything for that person. i'm not saying that i've ever been in love or i've never been in love, but they say people are "crazy" in love for a reason; because people in love tend to do ridiculous things sometimes.
when you are in love with someone, you don't care about going the extra mile or two for them.
you don't mind serving them because it makes YOU happy.
you are so happy to give whatever you can to that person, because you are so in love with that person... and for once,
serving doesn't feel like a burden...
and even if you've never been in love, maybe you've thought, "man, i'd do ANYTHING for her...," even if you're referring to a pop star or actress. it just shows how much this being-in-love thing can really change the way we live.
it only makes sense now, to question whether we really are in love with God.
am i so in love with God that what i do doesn't feel like "service"? is my love for him so real, that i'm willing to do whatever for Him- and all this out of my own will and because i want to? because i love Him so much?
and so when we compare this with our service toward the church, man... it shouldn't even feel like we are really "serving" in a sense. if we truly love the church then naturally everything we do will be overflowing from the love for the church in our hearts. and you can never serve the church enough.
i don't do francis chan justice in this message, but yeah... that line just made me step back for a moment. "it doesn't feel like service when you're in love."
when you are in love with someone, you are willing to do anything for that person. i'm not saying that i've ever been in love or i've never been in love, but they say people are "crazy" in love for a reason; because people in love tend to do ridiculous things sometimes.
when you are in love with someone, you don't care about going the extra mile or two for them.
you don't mind serving them because it makes YOU happy.
you are so happy to give whatever you can to that person, because you are so in love with that person... and for once,
serving doesn't feel like a burden...
and even if you've never been in love, maybe you've thought, "man, i'd do ANYTHING for her...," even if you're referring to a pop star or actress. it just shows how much this being-in-love thing can really change the way we live.
it only makes sense now, to question whether we really are in love with God.
am i so in love with God that what i do doesn't feel like "service"? is my love for him so real, that i'm willing to do whatever for Him- and all this out of my own will and because i want to? because i love Him so much?
and so when we compare this with our service toward the church, man... it shouldn't even feel like we are really "serving" in a sense. if we truly love the church then naturally everything we do will be overflowing from the love for the church in our hearts. and you can never serve the church enough.
i don't do francis chan justice in this message, but yeah... that line just made me step back for a moment. "it doesn't feel like service when you're in love."
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
first thought
i'm going to try blogging consistently on this instead of bits and pieces of my thoughts on xanga and livejournal...
and i'm going to try to do it while thinking of the bigger picture.
and i'm going to try to do it while thinking of the bigger picture.
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