What the heck is wrong with me? i know what i need to do, i know the problem, i know the solution, i'm well aware of it all... but why am i not following through...? the only answer i see is that, maybe, all of this just isn't as "BIG" to me... but i tell myself, "no. i DO know the extent of how important this all is. i DO know how "BIG" this is." yet, i do nothing. i sit and stare and ponder at how stupid and selfish i am for staying the same. i hate that i am just so freely allowing satan to grab foothold of me.. and even if it is just a pinky toe that he's gotten a hold of- that's all he needs to stop me from running to God.
excuses, excuses, excuses. they will always be there to comfort me, to make me feel like i'm okay to be where i'm at. but what is so frustrating is, that, i am almost 100% certain that i know the importance of the gospel. i've heard it been preached for the past... no wait... for.. my entire life. i even teach it. i tell others; i, to an extent, counsel others on this matter... i critique others. i judge. but i don't boast of my knowledge (because that in itself, for me, is very, very limited), but i can confidently say, "hey... yeah. i've heard it... i go to church." BUT to just say this, and to mutter this under my breath is what frustrates me even more. i frustrate myself.
i've said this for the past couple of weeks... and i know i have at least 2 people praying for me... but wow. i need Jesus back in my life, and i need Him to be more "real" to me than ever. gosh- and i know just how scary it is to be at the point where one becomes apathetic about their (non-extistent) relationship with Christ.
this, then, makes me question: do i even KNOW this Christ? if He is soooo great, if He "saved" me, and if He has "redeemed" me... why am i like this? why am i not compelled to go back to this savior that i (claim to) love?
there is so much effing pride within me. i hate my pride. or is it pride? what is it? what is in me that is just letting me be stagnant? laziness? maybe it's a bit of both.
i know what i need to do. i know what i want. but i don't feel the need to go get 'em. that's the dangerous point. but... i still have hope, i still have faith. and i praise God for that sooo much. His saving grace... my gosh. if it weren't for this hope and His love and this faith that He has allowed me to taste, then.... game over. i'd be done. i'd fail. but He just picks me up ever so slightly, ever so softly and ever so gently... He handles me so well. i am soo... unworthy. who the hell would want me in the midst of their righteousness, in their holy kingdom? He does not need me. He does not NEED you. He is all good in just Himself. wow... but see, the thing is.....
He wants me.
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