chusok

it breaks my heart SO much when i see my parents get into an argument. it actually physically hurts my insides, as if someone is clenching my heart in their hands and as if a big rock is trying to go down my throat. because my mom is saved and knows Christ and my dad doesn't, it makes things twice as hard in this marriage. i don't know what is right... we've been praying for my dad for QUITE some time now... and he did have a phase where he attended church somewhat regularly, but it's been a while since he's stepped foot into a sanctuary.

and sometimes i really wonder what my dad lives for. an answer might be, for me, his only daughter... but man. that just makes me so sad. because he does not know that he is on this earth for a purpose... and that Christ loves him so much. sure, he has co-workers, but he has no brothers... no men of Christ to follow and to just be "men" with. he is always at home... trying to come up with different hobbies... tuning pianos, making a guitar, collecting records, etc. but when is going to realize that this is not going to get him anywhere? i remember when he used to get calls from his mom in Korea... but he has lost both his parents in recent years.

i dont know why i'm hurting so much for him especially tonight though... but i think it's because it was chusok (korean thanksgiving) and he was reminded of his mom... he just seems so down lately. he even called in tomorrow and isn't going to work.

all i can do is to pray for him and be the best daughter that i can be. and it KILLS me because i am not the daughter that i want to be... at least not yet.