tearfall

does the holy spirit only speak to those who seek it?

i know that if you seek the holy spirit, it will speak to you in its own way- but what about when the holy spirit moves in a person to do something... does that person need to be one who is constantly seeking the holy spirit? does that person need to be in the word to know if it is being sought by the holy spirit? this is just a thought that occurred to me tonight.

why i ask this, is because i think i have either been ignoring the holy spirit or ignoring my first instinct as of late. usually, this occurs in a group setting where i feel a desire to say something that's on my mind.. but i don't because of fear. i don't want to admit it, but i know that i'm a scaredy cat at heart, and fear the judgment of people- whether they will judge me or 'falsely' judge me. WHICH i should not even be afraid of, because i know (or say that i know) that it is FINISHED and forgiven and complete at the foot of the cross, where i have been redeemed.

aside from that, though.. i also have this "problem" where i tend to get very emotional over the tiniest things. someone will share a story or a praise report a a short prayer request and i feel like if i just have a 'moment' to myself, i can start bawling in tears for them. it's like i can almost feel what they are going through.

and when people tell you, "i understand... i know what you're going through..." usually, it means nothing because... well, no one can really understand to the extent that Jesus can. but sometimes i feel, like physically can feel the weight of their burden on my heart for some strange reason. it's not like i ask for it, but i sometimes can really, really empathize with that person, though i have not been in the same or even similar situation. or maybe they just touch a soft spot in my heart... the spot that brings about waterfalls from my eyes... tearfalls..?

basically, i want to be able to control my emotions. control my tears. because i feel like i will come off as a ''weak'' person, and very fragile and just emotional if i just let the reigns loose. and i do know that i am weak. but i want to be spiritually strong in the Lord and just not be ashamed anymore... and not have these chains straining me down. i need to repent of ignoring what may have been the holy spirit. but can one control their emotions? am i stopping the tears from falling or am i stopping the holy spirit to do its will? i want to stop the tears but i do not want to stop the spirit.

usually, a girl coming off as ''emotional'' is not the best thing. it has a negative vibe, at least it does for me when i hear that, "oh she's SO emotional...!" and to know that i kinda am this girl... sucks, honestly. because i dont like that stereotype. and to be dead honest, maybe i want to be strong on the outside because i am weak on the inside. and i know i am weak. but again, i want to be strong in Christ, and know this is possible. just look at the people of the Bible. only through Christ's grace did they endure hardship and trial- only to come out as a better servant to Him.

i hate crying. and i especially hate it when i cry in front of people. this is whyyyy i don't open up to many. this is why i don't ''share'' too much of my personal life and personal thoughts because i will just end up with a paper towel roll in my hand (because i prefer them over tissue).

but either i need to pray that God take away some tears...? or that He may be able to make me become okay and perhaps even proud of it, in a sense. but even that-- why must i need to know that it is "ok"?? this is really frustrating because i know that all my sins are TAKEN CARE OF! i know it. and i know that i know. but maybe, just maybe... i haven't let it sink it as deeply as i should... and maybe that's why i'm not really getting the big picture just yet.