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being alone is something everyone should be familiar with.
feeling alone is also something that all have once visited - some, a few too many times more than others. but are you familiar with this certain type of alone-ness that consumes you even when you are surrounded by people and have loving parents at home? i'm not sure what it is that i'm going through right now, but i am aware of two things:

1. i need to surround myself with positive people and good women whom i aspire to be like and can be inspired by, and,

2. i must find my identity in Christ alone. if i keep falling back to the same questions of 'who am i'/'who makes me happy'/'what should i do?'... etc, then i will get no where- unless... i know who i am through Christ alone.

and though i am aware of these things, it is SO MUCH EASIER WRITTEN AND SAID THAN DONE.

where am i going to suddenly find a community in which i can trust and have a sisterly bond like no other, when i am surrounded by... what i have now? i acknowledge that i have sisters around me, but some are too physically far away and literally hard to reach. others are younger than i, others do not share the same values as i (in Christ, i mean). and others are brothers, whom i can relate to on some level, but... i cannot cry honestly in front of them when i am at that time of the month and am sad & angry for no apparent reason.

and i am on the verge of thinking that... maybe i don't need a relationship (with the opposite sex, in a romantic way) after all. at least not now. UNLESS... he knows how to fill this void in the correct way... which would probably mean that he would just lead me to Christ... but sometimes, there CAN be "right" words to say, and "right" things to do instead of preaching to the choir.

i forget where i came about this quote, but it really made me take a step back and examine my life:

"how you spend your days is how you spend your life."

and i'm beginning to realize that... i do not want this to be true for me right now, though it is inevitable. i feel like i am constantly waiting... just sitting in the waiting room, browsing through magazines, flipping through channels, watching other patients go in and out, while examining every other detail in the waiting room as i wait for my turn.

but when is my turn? and what am i even waiting for? i must... be... ready... always be ready. but right now, i am not. i am far from it.

i feel very alone right now and confused. i feel like i know where to go and what i could do... but i just don't do it for some reason. is it my pride? is it my selfishness? is it my fear? i just wish i had someone physically by my side to help me. but my favorite sister is in a different country right now, and my favorite brother is with his friends. my dad is asleep and my mom is at work. i know i have Jesus inside of me, but sometimes it's just hard to believe because sometimes... i feel empty inside. either empty or full of trash ... that needs to be thrown out. immediately.