Wooden chairs

Did you know that a "hard" fart on a wooden chair is not a smart move? The chair does not compliment the fart, let me tell ya.

I was sitting at a Starbucks the other day, job-hunting and brushing up my resume, with my huge Sony headphones on.. and out came the most unexpected "hard" fart on this little wooden chair I was seated upon. What I thought would come out to be a soft "hiss" of a fart, was totally wrong. Bad judgment. The best part is, I was not even 4 feet away to the couple seated by me who were engaged in serious conversation for at least twenty minutes. When I realized that... I got hot, embarrassed, red in the face, etc... but acted as if it were nothing but the squeak of a shoe.

Sometimes, you go on pretending that things didn't happen, when in fact, they most certainly did. It is not easy to come face to face with reality sometimes (especially when it bites) but how else are you ever going to overcome the things you are afraid of? How else would you ever come to being comfortable in your own skin?

Quite frankly, it may take one "hard" fart on a wooden chair. One fart at a time... here we go!

time of transition

i think i might have avoided blogging for a while because i was afraid of what i would write.

tomorrow (well, today, wednesday) i will turn in my last BS-ed paper as an undergraduate student. my last paper, ever. i spent this summer catching up on my last credits so that i could graduate "on time" but i kind of.... just a tad bit.... regret having taken summer quarter. now it leaves me face to face with post-grad realities that i do not want to face. but come tomorrow at noon, i am there.

hello, how do you do?

i am easily inspired and easily influenced. this is why i must tackle the good inspirations and positive influences to rev me up to do great things in life, without being a lazy bum waiting for such things. tonight, i found one inspiration: P!NK, the artist, who performed a phenomenal song at the Grammys this past year, displayed such a passionate performance of her song, "Glitter in the Air." i've probably seen the clip 100 times by now, and pretty sure that i've shed a few tears while watching it some time ago. her face at the end of the clip is priceless.

i want that feeling... the feeling of accomplishment, that feeling of, "wow.. what just happened was amazing, and i was a part of it." i want that.

where do i want to go next? i have so many options in front of me.

i am so lucky, so blessed to have supporting parents. sure, they'll question me sometimes, but if i love something or have a goal, they are not parents who would block me from such opportunities- instead, they would help pave a road for me. i could travel, i could move.. i could go back to school, i could work... i could do a lot of things. the confusing part is choosing the door. which do i open?

i love the ambiguity and vagueness of not knowing. but society doesn't. society and people, my peers even, do not like people without a plan. but what's the rush? i am a mere 22 year old girl. i've got at least a few years ahead of me to do what ever the hell i feel like. as long as it's sound, of course. i do not want to become an irrational person.

articulation

why is story-time always the favorite time of day for schoolchildren? it's obviously because there is something behind the telling of a story that intrigues humans' minds to focus, concentrate, listen, and think. aside from nap time and snack time - a wonderful story or book spoken to students by a teacher is probably one of the most precious moments of pre-school/kindergarten.

no one wants to listen to a bad story, though.

instead... try animating it by using hand motions, changing the tone of your voice, and strategically using (or not using) direct eye contact.

i am not a good storyteller, but i would like to be.

peeves

everyone has random but specific things that make them cringe. they call these things "pet peeves," and i would like to list mine, in no particular order:

1. when guys wear Express polos with the huge lion or tiger logo on it and think that they're the ish. i'm sorry... you're not.

2. people, especially guys, who type "ya" when saying "yeah" as a response... not my preference.

i will add to this list as things come to mind.

family

i have a new found love for my family tonight. and it's so rare that i find myself imagining this, repeating this scene in my head - it sounds like a typical dinner scene from a movie: my aunts, uncles, mom and dad gathered around our dining room area, sharing in a time of laughter and love.

i know that my family has gone through so much hurt and pain the past several years. the death of mothers, death of fathers, death of children. death and dying is a really sensitive issue in this family. and i sincerely reflect upon their lives this memorial day weekend. i know what it is like to have lost and then loved, though usually it's common that one loves and then loses. i can't help but love my family even more so now than ever before. i know i have their full on support, but i have so much fucking pride within me, i cannot express to them how grateful i am just for their presence, for their cooking, for their homemade cakes, for their hand-me-downs.

i just really hope that somehow, God or something will be able to let them know that i love them so much and i would do anything for their benefit if i could. i am just overwhelmed with love right now, i feel so loved and i feel so much love for them. but at the same time, i really regret not showing them the affection that they so desperately need. since most or all of them do not go to church, they've never experienced what that type of 'family' is like. granted, a lot of churches are stereotyped and have cliques and give off bad vibes and impressions... but if we dig deep and look at what holds these churches all together, it's purely by the grace of God. i know that i've tasted what's good, and so i'll never forget it.

it's hitting me now. i'm graduating from college... finally. i feel so lucky and privileged to have attained this degree that so many cannot even ever dream to afford.

i need confirmation, support, guidance. but God, it's been so long.

wrapping it up

i'm having fun.

i am 21 years old, 22 in just 3 weeks. graduating college, and as of now, i don't have a "career" right out of school, but i'm not stressing about it because...

i'm having fun.

and isn't that what life is all about? you only live once: meet new people, have fun, try to avoid mistakes and make connections along the way.

sometimes i regret that i hadn't pursued music. some people may think that i didn't really have a genuine talent, or that girl drummers were just not legit - but i'm not saying that i've always wanted to be a professional drummer. i just don't want to end my relationship with music, ever.

since my parents have been out of town this week, i had the WONDERFUL opportunity of having the house to myself. this means, that i could play the piano and sing my heart out at 2am without a worry.

I MISS IT!!! I MISS MAKING MUSIC. I MISS RECORDING. I MISS GOING TO THE STUDIO. I MISS AUTO-TUNE.

feeling very nostalgic now... just in time for finals. one more week, and come thursday.... game over.

stressful sundays

why is it that the day of rest is the most stressful of the week for me? sundays drain me, and instead of feeling well-rested, i feel restless.

i feel like i am at a dead end. the things i want to do, i feel like i cant, or i give myself excuses as to why it won't work. as if my dreams and aspirations will never be fulfilled.

i want to move! i want to get out of here. i need new people in my life. a new environment.

i need to rant, or perhaps a cold drink

WOW.

i was literally clenching my fists into my purple sweater as i walked out of my first class this morning. i'm going to use this space to rant about my day. apparently, that's what a lot of bloggers out there do anyway: they rant.

my day today actually begins from yesterday. i spent all of yesterday in the day-time working on my homework and school assignments that were due today, and was planning to use the night to work on a side project, freelance work that i had committed to finishing by thursday night (tonight). i succeeded in this plan up until about 4 in the morning, when i felt my body cramping in weird areas and my neck beginning to hurt, face beginning to swell, and body just sooo tired from staring at a computer screen all day long. so i took a nap, unintentionally, and woke up at 5:30am.

i woke up, and then tried to finish up the freelance writing, but decided that it was too much to handle. so i asked for a day extension (which they granted so graciously, thankfully!!!!!). i really hated myself for asking for that extension though, because it would be my first assignment, and i'm already not living it up. but then again- i am a full-time student......

i had to leave for an event that i was invited to, held at the washington state convention and trade center that began at 7:30am. i was in a rush to get there before 7:30 to network with people and meet new people, but i was running a bit late, and the whole ride i was eyeing the orange ball of light on my dashboard indicating that i was out of gas, or running on fumes, or had 25 miles left. whichever. i decided to think the latter.

i finally got to the center after taking a few wrong turns, paid $6 effing dollars for parking (when last year, i volunteered and got it validated) and realized that they were running a bit late. it was bittersweet because i was relieved that i wasn't late to my table, but kind of sad because i was so rushed... i could've put in the gas back at home...

afterwards, i went to school. paid another $6 for parking. but i checked my email before parking to see if there was the chance that my last professor, my last class of the day, would cancel. no email- so i just paid and went to 1 of 3 of my classes for the day. ... OR SO I THOUGHT.

got to my first class, checked my email about an hour into class, only to read that my last professor of the day is "sick" and CANCELLED CLASS. my heart DROPPED for a few reasons:

1. i spent a good 2 or 3 hours on the homework.
2. i could've spent that time working on my freelance writing
3. if i did the freelance instead, then i might not have felt the need to ask for an extension
4. i paid extra for parking
5. it just pissed me off the heezy for some reason!
6. and i could have also read for my OTHER class, which i didn't get to fully prepare for. well, i guess i'm behind in that class anyways... but still.

so now, here i am. ready to go to my next class, but feeling really confused... because although i'm pissed at my sick professor...

1. it's sunny outside.
2. i can make it to an earlier yoga class

and that's about it.

i still have a bunch of reading to do, and this first freelance writing/research assignment to work on for the rest of the night...

man. all i want is a cold beer. i want to down it, burp really, really loud, and then wash my face and tie my hair back and calm my self, body and soul with an hour and a half of hot yoga.

cheers.

19 & 91

psalm 19 and psalm 91 are resounding with me today. i knew something was tugging at me to go to the keyboard and play.. and i ended up revisitng the place that i missed for quite some time now.

i know that God is real, but i cannot tell you why you should believe Him, too. i hope i am not 'knowing' Him (to the extent that i can know of Him) purely because i am fearful of Him... though, to be honest, that is definitely a big factor in why i claim to know Him.

they say that God is good. and if that is true, then there must exist evil. you can't have one without the other, obviously. i'm not trying to sound like i am super-spiritual and have these spirits around me all the time... but once in a while, i know that something is just tugging at me, in a bad way, and after i've been 'tested,' i realize that that was satan... or some evil 'thing.' and that is how i know that there is a God, because there is an Evil. it confirms it and locks it in my heart.

:)

so i guess, once you have tasted the good fruit, you will never forget it. if you have felt what it feels like to 'know' God, then even if you stray far, He won't let go of you. ...

and how funny is that? that, God might be testing you to your maximum limit before you completely can't handle it anymore, but he will reel you right in when the time is perfect. it kind of seems almost wrong, in a way, that He would be teeter-tottering with us like little puppets on strings, playing until He feels that we've had enough of this scene, and it's time for the next.

but God is not a puppeteer, and we should thank Him for wanting us in the first place. or else we'd be damned forever in hell.

there are still a lot of unanswered questions i have... like, well, what IF i was damned forever in hell? if the pain is excruciating and i am suffering in hell forever, i wonder if i would ever become used to it? they say that God's mercies are new every morning, but what about in hell? is the pain new every morning? and if it is continual, then would one ever become nearly numb to the pain at some point? i can understand that there is an infinite application of joy, but i can't grasp infinite pain for some reason.

and, what about those who will never taste the fruit? why me and not my friend, not my father? why am i chosen and how will my friend and my father know if they ever will be? i want to know.

one year

i started this blog one year ago (april 15, 2009). time flies.

so much can happen within 24 hours - but imagine the change you go through in one year.

i know i just need to knock for the door to open, but i just don't know which door to knock, how loud or soft to knock, when a good time would be, and if i even really want to know what's on the other side of that door...

is it fear that brings you to your knees? and what kind of fear is that?

i'm almost 22 years old but i don't feel a day past 2 sometimes.

awkward turtle, awkward penguin

i'm awkward right now.

you know when you see tweens walking down the streets, colored hair, piercings here and there, not really sure of who they want to be in high school...? that's an awkward phase that we all go through, i think. it's right before or when puberty strikes.
though i'm 21 (still very young...) i still have that awkward side to me that reminds me of back when i tried to find my place at the cafeteria of my middle school/high school. to a certain extent, i'm still trying to figure out what color to dye my hair that week, and what trends i should follow so that i could better blend in with that table over there.

it SCARES me to even think about post-grad plans. i never thought i would come to this point in my life. okay.. that's a lie, but i just never thought it would hit me all at once, without a warning. but here i am, face-to-face with it. and i'm broken.. pretty much blank and empty. i read somewhere (ok fine, in a magazine..) that you should learn to be your own best friend because you just can't trust anyone. at first thought, that sounds so bitter! what a pessimistic view on humanity. but on second thought... maybe i want to be my best friend, because i want to be able to trust myself with all of my decisions. so that's why i decided that i actually like that statement.. to be best friends with yourself first before others. sometimes being selfish can be rewarding, in a twisted way. every man for themself sometimes, right?

on a separate but somewhat related note... let me tell you, whoever you are, reading: satan grabs a foothold of you, and that is all he needs. i can literally feel myself sinking down with him sometimes, i know that i'm not going the right direction sometimes, but i follow that road anyways because it's easier and tempting. that's the dangerous part. but i try and justify my life by thinking, "since i'm always thinking and being tempted, this could be healthy. it's better than being numb, right?" and that's where it gets quite skewed, honestly.

tonight, i don't feel like growing up. but i really have this yearning for a husband. i want to get married and share my life with one man and do great things together. then have kids and do great things as a family and be the best mom ever. this dream will come true someday! just not now, i guess.

right now, i just want to hit myself in the head for not planning ahead. i have this habit of putting things off until tomorrow... "tomorrow, i'll clean my room. tomorrow, i'll apply to that company. tomorrow, i'll finally read that book." but the scary thing is that... tomorrow may never even come.

i'm stupid

but to say that you KNOW that you DON'T KNOW
is probably even worse.

don't you see that THAT is the reason why you are still in chains?

yet you answer, "i know..."

stupid- you don't.

1 a.m. thought

i just realized from recent conversations, that:

what i fail at, i like to help others succeed in.

whether that be relationships, religion, dieting, school... etc.

it kinda sounds depressing, but there may be some good to come out of this. if not for me, then at least for people i care about!

keys

i was reminded of how much i enjoy playing the piano. it's been a while since i've played any classical pieces (not that i was good at playing them anyways) but for a big chunk of my life, i've taken piano lessons. on and off for about 6 years or so? today i sat down and started to do what i used to do a lot a couple years ago... :) and though it was not even for an hour, i enjoyed it. i love making music, trying to write lyrics, writing songs.. there's something so refreshing and relieving about it. sometimes you can't express your thoughts through words or through typing out a blog - but if you just play the right notes on a piano, and are lucky to think of a line to sing along with those chords, then it's like you've just hit that "sweet spot" - just as you do when hitting back a tennis ball with a great racket...

i caught a glimpse of my dad fixing his record player a little bit ago, and i realized that... hey, on paper, my dad sounds pretty hip and cool. he's done a lot of random things in his life... has a facebook account, went on a cruise by himself (to clear his mind, i think, after his mom had passed) to mexico, made his own classical guitar, collects records and listens to them on his used record player, and listens to k-pop groups like Girl's Generation. i don't think i've spoken to either of my parents for more than a total of 10 minutes, maybe, in the past 2 weeks. there is just a huge lack of communication in this house... i don't know why.

it's not like we are fighting, or are even mad at each other. we are just... an awkward family when it comes to family-things. rarely do we ever sit and eat a meal together, and when we do, it's usually silent. i think BECAUSE i feel the distance between us, it makes me not want to reach out any more. i always use the excuse of, "oh, when i grow older, i'll mature and be able to talk to them as an adult." but time is so unpredictable.. who knows if there will even be a tomorrow?

if i could, i'd love to stop time... and go away somewhere by myself and immerse myself in a new culture. i think i'm pretty good at being by myself, and i actually don't mind being "lonely" as some might categorize it. i can find lots of ways to pass time, and i'd really love to just take a train or a plane somewhere... and live by myself again for a few weeks or so. :)

until that can become a reality... it's back to homework...

short hair v. long hair

for a good chunk of my life, i've been referred to as "tall with short hair." and i think that basically summed up my high school years and while i played drums in a band, always wearing chucks and a hoody.

and to an extent- that is still in me. (i wear converses and hoodies still, and that will forever be a part of me).

but let's talk about hair... and i've been thinking about this because right now, Great Clips (here's a little plug for them) has a limited deal: haircuts for $7.99. which is pretty sweet, but i mean, Great Clips... how much can you expect from them? my mom actually went in and got a hair cut- she said it took 10 minutes of a trembling student's hand with a result of... almost no difference in her hair at all. =\

but right now, my hair is pretty long. it's almost at the longest length i've ever had it be at.. and i'm actually somewhat proud of it. i'm proud but i'm also really, not used to it. so i just tie it up in buns and ponytails 99.9% of the time. also.. my hair is thin and flat, so it doesn't really look good down.

so i thought that maybe i should just chop it off again... maybe i want to have short hair again...

but if i go back to short hair, then the labels will be posted all over me again, perhaps. there she is, the tomboy tall girl with short hair wearing chucks. but maybe i dont want to be known as that person anymore... and maybe i want long, wavy hair instead. maybe long hair is who i am, now.

i hate that boys have it so easy. i bet they don't really take into consideration all these thoughts before getting a hair cut.. but for me... it could very well be life-changing.

for now, i'm going to let it be and let it grow even longer.

mercy

dear God,

please have mercy on me today.

it's 2:30am and i have a packed day ahead of me. i'll be at school starting from a meeting at 11am, class from 1:30pm until 8:30pm, back to back, starting off with a mid-term that i only got to briefly study for today.

i didn't do any of the assignments for one class. i hope that i won't get called out.

i hope the mid-term is easier than hard... though i did not do the readings required for the exam.

for some reason, i want to rest instead of pull an all-nighter or spend any more time studying/doing homework. am i justifying myself wrongly....??

i'm going to choose to sleep and rest, because after tomorrow, i have to get up and work (aka intern for free). and it'll be another long day. then hopefully i'll be able to catch up...

sincerely, gina the tired but hopeful slacker.

4 more

today is february 1st...

4 more months until i'm 22 and "walk."

just a little scared, a little nervous about it all. i need some clear directions or some guidance. i feel like i know where i can get them, perhaps, but i'm just so distracted, unmotivated, scared to even touch it.. :(

job, my career, where will you be? what will you be? what will I be?

jet plane

i am such a mess right now. may i leave??.......



and the answer is.... *drumroll, please...*



"no."





!!!



i'm stuck. i don't like where i am and i don't know how to get outta here... so.. frustrating.



the bruise on my arm is looking pretty ugly.


i didn't like today.... but tomorrow is a new day.
a new month, actually.
the month of february. hip-hip-hooray.

donkey hole

what an ass life can be sometimes.

or maybe, not be, but feels like it is. life is not an ass, i know. but sometimes it can feel like an ass or a pain in it.


so.. i'm frustrated. probably about to start my cycle again because all i want to eat is anything and everything...

but this is only for right now... that i feel like this. in the midst of this, i should say, thank you, Jesus for giving me this pain because... it makes me think about how ...weirdly You mean to me sometimes.

54, 21

my dad turned 54 yesterday.

you know you're getting old when you start hurting in your heart when you see white hairs on your parents' head. i glanced over his way as we were eating, and noticed that he was getting some white hairs above his ears. and his glasses help in covering them up a little bit, but i can still see them. he is GETTING OLD... and for some odd reason, i just feel this pang of ... hurt?... guilt? for no clear reason, really. i'm just sad that he's over 50 already and i've done jack squat for him as his only daughter.

well, it's 2010 now, and that is the year that i graduate college. WHAT THE HELL. what. the. hell. what the ........................................... f. i am a bit ashamed to say this, that, i am supposed to be graduating in a matter of months. what have i even accomplished in life? and what does it even matter anyway, if i don't know what's next for me? i'm interning at a company right now, a pretty large non-profit. the department i'm in is right along the lines of what i think i see myself doing... media relations and all that. but for some reason, i'm just not feeling gung-ho about it all. i feel like something is missing. where is my passion to explore and live my 20s like i'll never get those years back?

but i'm only 21. only 21. just 21. twenty-one. twenty-one. twenty-one.

i think i'm the type that needs someone to push me. i have very rare, random moments of gung-ho-ness, and right now... all that is gone. not much motivation, just really tired of this and that. and there really isn't anyone around me to give me that extra push of.... encouragement? hope?... so i guess i'll have to find it somehow on my own. i mean, i'll get there, but it will take time. perhaps more time than i would like for it to take. and selfish me, i kind of almost don't even want anyone's push... i almost want for myself to find *it* myself. whatever it is that will make me go.

tell me your story

tell me, what's your story?

and where is mine?

my story is simple. one word can sum it up, as a friend rightly suggested to me:

"Grace."

that is the story of my life.

no religious pun intended, nothing mushy, not toooo much of a cliche'...

but, grace is what it comes down to. after all the mess-ups and screw-ups, big-time fails and losses, a little bit of grace was given me so that i can say that with confidence today. kinda like a miracle. i don't deserve to be here, not sure why i still AM here... but i am.

so i'm on this journey of how to BEST tell my "story" without it being so religiony and in christianese. um.... i'd like to be genuine.. real.. and transparent.

but first, i must do some soul-searching! and where does one EVEN begin?!

because of you

because of you, tonight, i cannot sleep at the hour that i wanted to.

i toss and turn, switch from the hot side to the cold side of my pillow and press my cheek against the cotton fabric only to be dissatisfied in a matter of minutes. you make my temperature high.

i can hardly breathe because of you... i have to force myself to eat because of you, sometimes.

i cannot focus and it's hard to think straight. it's as if you are forever with me and in me and a part of me that i can't detach myself from.

how i WANT so badly to drift far, far away from you...

snot.. phlegm.. sickness. go away! because of you i can't be what i want to be!