19 & 91

psalm 19 and psalm 91 are resounding with me today. i knew something was tugging at me to go to the keyboard and play.. and i ended up revisitng the place that i missed for quite some time now.

i know that God is real, but i cannot tell you why you should believe Him, too. i hope i am not 'knowing' Him (to the extent that i can know of Him) purely because i am fearful of Him... though, to be honest, that is definitely a big factor in why i claim to know Him.

they say that God is good. and if that is true, then there must exist evil. you can't have one without the other, obviously. i'm not trying to sound like i am super-spiritual and have these spirits around me all the time... but once in a while, i know that something is just tugging at me, in a bad way, and after i've been 'tested,' i realize that that was satan... or some evil 'thing.' and that is how i know that there is a God, because there is an Evil. it confirms it and locks it in my heart.

:)

so i guess, once you have tasted the good fruit, you will never forget it. if you have felt what it feels like to 'know' God, then even if you stray far, He won't let go of you. ...

and how funny is that? that, God might be testing you to your maximum limit before you completely can't handle it anymore, but he will reel you right in when the time is perfect. it kind of seems almost wrong, in a way, that He would be teeter-tottering with us like little puppets on strings, playing until He feels that we've had enough of this scene, and it's time for the next.

but God is not a puppeteer, and we should thank Him for wanting us in the first place. or else we'd be damned forever in hell.

there are still a lot of unanswered questions i have... like, well, what IF i was damned forever in hell? if the pain is excruciating and i am suffering in hell forever, i wonder if i would ever become used to it? they say that God's mercies are new every morning, but what about in hell? is the pain new every morning? and if it is continual, then would one ever become nearly numb to the pain at some point? i can understand that there is an infinite application of joy, but i can't grasp infinite pain for some reason.

and, what about those who will never taste the fruit? why me and not my friend, not my father? why am i chosen and how will my friend and my father know if they ever will be? i want to know.