family

i have a new found love for my family tonight. and it's so rare that i find myself imagining this, repeating this scene in my head - it sounds like a typical dinner scene from a movie: my aunts, uncles, mom and dad gathered around our dining room area, sharing in a time of laughter and love.

i know that my family has gone through so much hurt and pain the past several years. the death of mothers, death of fathers, death of children. death and dying is a really sensitive issue in this family. and i sincerely reflect upon their lives this memorial day weekend. i know what it is like to have lost and then loved, though usually it's common that one loves and then loses. i can't help but love my family even more so now than ever before. i know i have their full on support, but i have so much fucking pride within me, i cannot express to them how grateful i am just for their presence, for their cooking, for their homemade cakes, for their hand-me-downs.

i just really hope that somehow, God or something will be able to let them know that i love them so much and i would do anything for their benefit if i could. i am just overwhelmed with love right now, i feel so loved and i feel so much love for them. but at the same time, i really regret not showing them the affection that they so desperately need. since most or all of them do not go to church, they've never experienced what that type of 'family' is like. granted, a lot of churches are stereotyped and have cliques and give off bad vibes and impressions... but if we dig deep and look at what holds these churches all together, it's purely by the grace of God. i know that i've tasted what's good, and so i'll never forget it.

it's hitting me now. i'm graduating from college... finally. i feel so lucky and privileged to have attained this degree that so many cannot even ever dream to afford.

i need confirmation, support, guidance. but God, it's been so long.