awkward turtle, awkward penguin

i'm awkward right now.

you know when you see tweens walking down the streets, colored hair, piercings here and there, not really sure of who they want to be in high school...? that's an awkward phase that we all go through, i think. it's right before or when puberty strikes.
though i'm 21 (still very young...) i still have that awkward side to me that reminds me of back when i tried to find my place at the cafeteria of my middle school/high school. to a certain extent, i'm still trying to figure out what color to dye my hair that week, and what trends i should follow so that i could better blend in with that table over there.

it SCARES me to even think about post-grad plans. i never thought i would come to this point in my life. okay.. that's a lie, but i just never thought it would hit me all at once, without a warning. but here i am, face-to-face with it. and i'm broken.. pretty much blank and empty. i read somewhere (ok fine, in a magazine..) that you should learn to be your own best friend because you just can't trust anyone. at first thought, that sounds so bitter! what a pessimistic view on humanity. but on second thought... maybe i want to be my best friend, because i want to be able to trust myself with all of my decisions. so that's why i decided that i actually like that statement.. to be best friends with yourself first before others. sometimes being selfish can be rewarding, in a twisted way. every man for themself sometimes, right?

on a separate but somewhat related note... let me tell you, whoever you are, reading: satan grabs a foothold of you, and that is all he needs. i can literally feel myself sinking down with him sometimes, i know that i'm not going the right direction sometimes, but i follow that road anyways because it's easier and tempting. that's the dangerous part. but i try and justify my life by thinking, "since i'm always thinking and being tempted, this could be healthy. it's better than being numb, right?" and that's where it gets quite skewed, honestly.

tonight, i don't feel like growing up. but i really have this yearning for a husband. i want to get married and share my life with one man and do great things together. then have kids and do great things as a family and be the best mom ever. this dream will come true someday! just not now, i guess.

right now, i just want to hit myself in the head for not planning ahead. i have this habit of putting things off until tomorrow... "tomorrow, i'll clean my room. tomorrow, i'll apply to that company. tomorrow, i'll finally read that book." but the scary thing is that... tomorrow may never even come.