54, 21

my dad turned 54 yesterday.

you know you're getting old when you start hurting in your heart when you see white hairs on your parents' head. i glanced over his way as we were eating, and noticed that he was getting some white hairs above his ears. and his glasses help in covering them up a little bit, but i can still see them. he is GETTING OLD... and for some odd reason, i just feel this pang of ... hurt?... guilt? for no clear reason, really. i'm just sad that he's over 50 already and i've done jack squat for him as his only daughter.

well, it's 2010 now, and that is the year that i graduate college. WHAT THE HELL. what. the. hell. what the ........................................... f. i am a bit ashamed to say this, that, i am supposed to be graduating in a matter of months. what have i even accomplished in life? and what does it even matter anyway, if i don't know what's next for me? i'm interning at a company right now, a pretty large non-profit. the department i'm in is right along the lines of what i think i see myself doing... media relations and all that. but for some reason, i'm just not feeling gung-ho about it all. i feel like something is missing. where is my passion to explore and live my 20s like i'll never get those years back?

but i'm only 21. only 21. just 21. twenty-one. twenty-one. twenty-one.

i think i'm the type that needs someone to push me. i have very rare, random moments of gung-ho-ness, and right now... all that is gone. not much motivation, just really tired of this and that. and there really isn't anyone around me to give me that extra push of.... encouragement? hope?... so i guess i'll have to find it somehow on my own. i mean, i'll get there, but it will take time. perhaps more time than i would like for it to take. and selfish me, i kind of almost don't even want anyone's push... i almost want for myself to find *it* myself. whatever it is that will make me go.