kick

i would like to tear down the walls.

i'm feeling a little violent today... haha. sometimes i get these urges to physically hurt something to release bad energy from my system or something.... sounds kinda crazy, but it happens. and i'm not really one to blow up or get angry, at all! but there are just a handful of people whom i'd like to slap across the face........ just ONCE....... please. slap or punch. or kick. in the shin. hard... :)

it's unfortunate that i feel this way, but i do. and i'd like to justify it by adding that, the people i'd like to kick in the face are ones who have kicked my face without realizing it....oh ... so funny.

there must be a way to handle this in a healthy manner.. and i know there is. but sometimes i feel like we (stupid sinners) don't know any better and choose to go on the rockier, darker route to get to where we might need to be later... when in fact, there was a pre-made path set from the start.

bla bla blAH!! it's 3am and this whole sleeping past 3am thing is not something i want to keep up..... perhaps that's why i am so.... feeling unfortunate right now. :)

how deep?

sometimes i get lost in my own thoughts and never come to a conclusion as a result.

i question whether "depth" in ones personality is a good thing or a bad thing. recently, a semi-stranger/acquaintance told me that through my singing, they sensed that i have a "depth" about me. and i feel like i've heard comments like this before, from people who are really close to me... but i want to take a step back and complain. because it HURTS MY BRAIN to keep seesawing thoughts and weighing out the pros and cons and questioning my questioning about questions that perhaps i should not even be questioning...? and what usually comes out of this, is a total brain fart, where i just kinda let it go and let it be, without getting to the root of it and without satisfying my thirst. and sometimes, i'll admit, that the thirst is not always pure - as if i'm thirsting for some hard alcohol while pregnant. so perhaps in certain situations, not quenching my thirst is the better option.

but other times, i'm still left confused and just... frustrated that i even come up with unanswerables.

at the SAME time... when i can remember and because God is so gracious, i thank God for giving me a brain that functions, for giving my brain the capacity to think such thoughts, that usually remind me that He is greater than i - that nothing in this world is certain but Him.

and in the end... that brings me comfort, joy, and peace. but it takes some time, some pruning, for me to get there, because i am such a stubborn, selfish little sinner.

let go and let God...?

or, something along the lines of that...

but i'm wondering, really? in every situation, do i let it all "go" and let God take care of everything? there are still unanswered questions and thoughts that float around in my head that sometimes keep me from peacefully sleeping at night. i wonder if i have to let these thoughts just fade away, or do i have to seek the answers for them? there's a battle going on inside of me and it drives me nuts sometimes.

on a separate note... i've come to the conclusion (or near the conclusion) that i will never take a person's word to heart so quickly. it is SCARY though, because even those whom you have loved and those that have loved you, or say they've loved you, can quickly lose their credibility once that statement is no longer valid. the only example that comes to mind is, say a person makes a promise with you. then they break it.

seems like such a small example, right? but it speaks volumes...

cry a river, build a bridge

my good ol' buddy messaged me a quote that went something like this, "If someone you love hurt you, cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it." :) that made me smile, actually.
and in a way, that statement has a lot of truth in it. obviously we are not capable of getting over anything (or building anything for that matter) without the divine help of the One above... but the basic lesson of that statement is to eventually get over it. it's kinda like, so cry and whine and complain all you want, then do something about it, then everything should fall into place. it's a little harsh, but essentially, i think it's a pretty simple and to-the-point statement that we can directly apply to our lives in whatever way that it may apply...

unfair

life..... is....... not....... fair.........????????

life's not fair............?? i'm struggling with this statement today.

right now, to me, life is not fair. why do i feel this pain, and why was i the one hurt, and why do i have these questions that will never be answered? why do i wish for things and want things that will not come true? what will it take for me to bring everything to the cross? i want to see it finished and complete.. but do i, really? why aren't i then? do i perhaps not really want to go to the cross? where is Jesus? i want a better environment but i'm kinda stuck where i am right now. no place to go even if i wanted to leave. not sure. just really sure about being unsure.