He doesn't need me

I'm just going to play off of that line i stated at the end of my previous post.... it's still resounding in my ear. maybe God's trying to reveal something to me. (funny how i have to type this all out... if i don't, i'm pretty sure i would have just been frustrated and cried my frustration to sleep).

i've heard it been said by Francis Chan, a pastor who is just soooo real. so loving. i can just feel it... through... the podcasts. haha. though i don't have a personal relationship with him, bless Francis Chan's heart for speaking to me even through these media outlets.

"God doesn't need me, but He wants me."

that statement alone, right now, is just so powerful. it makes me stop and just chew... chew a lot. so God... this God that i've been taught of, this God that i claim to have had a personal relationship with... yeah. i know it. i know just how GREAT and how powerful He is... really. no... wait.. no i don't. i only know how great He is to the extent of how my definition of "great" is, though He is, in fact incomprehendable.. so i cannot even fathom this greatness...

God is a God who is POWER. there is a whole history of His mighty works... almost unbelievable, but ask for faith, ask for His glory to be shown to you and ask for Him to break your HEART by revealing to you what He can do... and you will taste... just TASTE, like half of a sample of a taste, how powerful He is. i don't know the bible inside and out, but i do know a handful of stories that just amaze me. and i do believe it. i know it, because it is real to me.. it's real to me.... but i'm still struggling to swallow it all... well, at least that's the conclusion i'm coming to, because i can't seem to repent and fully lay my burdens at the foot of the cross.. which is what i should do, if the gospel is true for me.

and the gospel, the gospel to me, is this: that it has BEEN FINISHED. that it has been done when Christ died for me, when he was spat upon, when he suffered for me, when he DIED for MY sins... for the sins that this selfish, dirty, unworthy person have committed... this MAN WHO IS GOD DIED FOR ME. and why??? why would any crazy person do that? well, in this case, it's because he loved me. and he loves me. and he will always love me. aghhhhhh... and that's just soooo amazing... because you see, he died even before i was born.

so what else can i do but praise Him for the rest of my life until i get to see Him face-to-face after this short life on earth? and why the hell am i living like this, when i only get one life? i only get one life to live, one life to preachhhhhhhh the hell out of people.................. even my own family members...... why.. why...? wait... the first "why" is for, why am i not sharing this GOSPEL that i know, to them?.... and the second "why" is for, why don't they already know? why is it me that is sharing with them, and not them with me? why is it that i am someone who is aware of this, and they are people who are not? is it because i am chosen and they are not? does that mean my dad will be going to hell? or is it in my hands (though ultimately God working through me) to share the love of God to my dad? ah. confusion.

and someone once told me that confusion does NOT come from God.
so is this the evil one within me? .... actually, yeah. i can see that... that makes sense. i should be totally at peace if i have the peace of God. no questions, no confusion... because there should be none, if the Gospel of Christ is my life.

i totally went off a tangent or two here. i initially thought that i wanted to say more about God not needing me but wanting me.. but i guess it all ties together in the end.

so, this God.... God.. He wants me. and what kind of a person would do that? you have everything you could ever imagine. like, imagine yourself as a person who has everything: money, love, friends, joy, etc... well, i know this is not EVER going to be true, because you would be God if you had everything... but, in the most purest way, imagine yourself to be God (without any thought of wanting to be Him). see, you have everything. you have what you want, because.... you created it all. you even created these little extras called humans, who have failed you, though you made them. but since you ARE love, since you are soo good, you have the ability to love them so much that you want them.. you do not need them, heck no... but you want them...

that makes me feel good. it is such a good feeling to know that you are loved, and to feel it. i fail, too often, to BELIEVE what i say and what i hear. it touches me, sure, here and there i get some good points and a few tears, but when it CONVICTS me... that is when, i believe, and i hope, to become a different person. a woman who fears God. i know i'm on that track. but i also know it'll take time. because God is molding me right now, and i can feel it. it's just that i have to not allow Satan to continue poking at me. it's all good though- because God is on my side, He is in control of my life, and it's just up to me to just let go.... and let God..