there are so many things that i WANT but don't NEED and cannot really afford.... well.... i take that back - i suppose i could whip out a credit card and max it out if i really wanted to, but i'm not the type to really splurge. but for some reason, i have this real craving to spend some money. why does it happen to be when i am unemployed and nordstrom's anniversary sale is going on? why, why, why?
i also wish there were more bus routes from my home to seattle... er, seattle university in particular. it's a drag to wake up 2 hours early before class to commute on the hot bus ride only to transfer in the middle of downtown to get TO class. and you're restricted by all these time charts and have a silent curfew.
i think i'm in complain-mode because i'm broke and want to shop. but sometimes you have to bite your lip and keep it in - BECAUSE IT'S NOT NECESSARY......... this is what i will say to myself...
but the other side of me says, you only live once.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
almost a decade
i had this sudden twang of feeling that made me take a step back and look at my surroundings. i almost don't want to be surrounded by the same people anymore. the kind that i'm so used to and so comfortable with... i almost want to immerse myself in a new culture and become familiar with the unfamiliar just to get out of my comfort zone and to taste what other flavors there are out there for me.
it's true that i've been within this "group" that might not be any more than another social group, for almost ten years. this place i call church has been a part of my life, and maybe it's become a lifestyle for me to a certain extent. but why do i limit myself to clinging on only to the korean brothers and sisters of this society, of this world? we are all made to love one another no matter what class, gender or race we are.
and what is it that is making me hold back? i've wanted to taste the waters of another well for some long time now, but there's always been something to hold me back and leave me at the same old well that i've been at. it's not like i'm some sort of saviour that might i stay, the walls of the church would come crashing down or the pews will suddenly be packed and joyous hands will be lifted... it's not like that. it is not my church but it is God's. but why do i keep thinking that i can do something to stir this well? why do i feel that if i leave, my absence will be of some significance that i cannot bear to leave? i am not a saviour. i am not God. God is God and the church is His... only He can change it and those within....
now... if only my brothers and sisters would get slapped in the face by SOMETHING to realize what mess they are in! their souls are so dark and angry, so confused, lost and bitter that they have grown to become apathetic about their spirituality and relationship with their first true love.
God... slap them.
slap us.
slap me.
it's true that i've been within this "group" that might not be any more than another social group, for almost ten years. this place i call church has been a part of my life, and maybe it's become a lifestyle for me to a certain extent. but why do i limit myself to clinging on only to the korean brothers and sisters of this society, of this world? we are all made to love one another no matter what class, gender or race we are.
and what is it that is making me hold back? i've wanted to taste the waters of another well for some long time now, but there's always been something to hold me back and leave me at the same old well that i've been at. it's not like i'm some sort of saviour that might i stay, the walls of the church would come crashing down or the pews will suddenly be packed and joyous hands will be lifted... it's not like that. it is not my church but it is God's. but why do i keep thinking that i can do something to stir this well? why do i feel that if i leave, my absence will be of some significance that i cannot bear to leave? i am not a saviour. i am not God. God is God and the church is His... only He can change it and those within....
now... if only my brothers and sisters would get slapped in the face by SOMETHING to realize what mess they are in! their souls are so dark and angry, so confused, lost and bitter that they have grown to become apathetic about their spirituality and relationship with their first true love.
God... slap them.
slap us.
slap me.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
old emails
i am such a pack rat.
recently, i had my room cleaned by two friends who really WANTED to clean my room for me. i was grateful, and i must say, i haven't ever seen my room be so spotless before. but as we were organizing and putting things into garbage bags, i was reminded of how much i hold on to old things for unnecessary periods of time. clothes i'd never wear but hold on to because of some meaning, old pens and stationary, broken jewelry, receipts.. etc.. i always have a hard time letting go of these things.
but even though my closet is a lot more empty now, it doesn't mean that my mind or heart have been cleared of the past.
no matter how much you want to forget and let go of the past, sometimes it creeps upon you without notice. like today, i was just going through old emails and deleting spam, and came across some emails that seemed so genuine and real at the time.. but a couple years later, here i am reading those same words and they have absolutely no truth in them now. it's scary how people's feelings and thoughts change. it just proves that you cannot trust anyone in this world except for God. He is the only one that will never cheat, never fail, never disappoint you.
i hope and pray that i will soon be able to let go of some things in my past. but it's not that easy when i sometimes catch myself digging through the bags of garbage to be thrown out. i think i'm a pack rat in the sense that i strongly think that some things will come back or come in to use someday. but i really must work on that part of myself so that i can move on without any extra baggage... because sometimes it's just so darn heavy.
recently, i had my room cleaned by two friends who really WANTED to clean my room for me. i was grateful, and i must say, i haven't ever seen my room be so spotless before. but as we were organizing and putting things into garbage bags, i was reminded of how much i hold on to old things for unnecessary periods of time. clothes i'd never wear but hold on to because of some meaning, old pens and stationary, broken jewelry, receipts.. etc.. i always have a hard time letting go of these things.
but even though my closet is a lot more empty now, it doesn't mean that my mind or heart have been cleared of the past.
no matter how much you want to forget and let go of the past, sometimes it creeps upon you without notice. like today, i was just going through old emails and deleting spam, and came across some emails that seemed so genuine and real at the time.. but a couple years later, here i am reading those same words and they have absolutely no truth in them now. it's scary how people's feelings and thoughts change. it just proves that you cannot trust anyone in this world except for God. He is the only one that will never cheat, never fail, never disappoint you.
i hope and pray that i will soon be able to let go of some things in my past. but it's not that easy when i sometimes catch myself digging through the bags of garbage to be thrown out. i think i'm a pack rat in the sense that i strongly think that some things will come back or come in to use someday. but i really must work on that part of myself so that i can move on without any extra baggage... because sometimes it's just so darn heavy.
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