family

i have a new found love for my family tonight. and it's so rare that i find myself imagining this, repeating this scene in my head - it sounds like a typical dinner scene from a movie: my aunts, uncles, mom and dad gathered around our dining room area, sharing in a time of laughter and love.

i know that my family has gone through so much hurt and pain the past several years. the death of mothers, death of fathers, death of children. death and dying is a really sensitive issue in this family. and i sincerely reflect upon their lives this memorial day weekend. i know what it is like to have lost and then loved, though usually it's common that one loves and then loses. i can't help but love my family even more so now than ever before. i know i have their full on support, but i have so much fucking pride within me, i cannot express to them how grateful i am just for their presence, for their cooking, for their homemade cakes, for their hand-me-downs.

i just really hope that somehow, God or something will be able to let them know that i love them so much and i would do anything for their benefit if i could. i am just overwhelmed with love right now, i feel so loved and i feel so much love for them. but at the same time, i really regret not showing them the affection that they so desperately need. since most or all of them do not go to church, they've never experienced what that type of 'family' is like. granted, a lot of churches are stereotyped and have cliques and give off bad vibes and impressions... but if we dig deep and look at what holds these churches all together, it's purely by the grace of God. i know that i've tasted what's good, and so i'll never forget it.

it's hitting me now. i'm graduating from college... finally. i feel so lucky and privileged to have attained this degree that so many cannot even ever dream to afford.

i need confirmation, support, guidance. but God, it's been so long.

wrapping it up

i'm having fun.

i am 21 years old, 22 in just 3 weeks. graduating college, and as of now, i don't have a "career" right out of school, but i'm not stressing about it because...

i'm having fun.

and isn't that what life is all about? you only live once: meet new people, have fun, try to avoid mistakes and make connections along the way.

sometimes i regret that i hadn't pursued music. some people may think that i didn't really have a genuine talent, or that girl drummers were just not legit - but i'm not saying that i've always wanted to be a professional drummer. i just don't want to end my relationship with music, ever.

since my parents have been out of town this week, i had the WONDERFUL opportunity of having the house to myself. this means, that i could play the piano and sing my heart out at 2am without a worry.

I MISS IT!!! I MISS MAKING MUSIC. I MISS RECORDING. I MISS GOING TO THE STUDIO. I MISS AUTO-TUNE.

feeling very nostalgic now... just in time for finals. one more week, and come thursday.... game over.

stressful sundays

why is it that the day of rest is the most stressful of the week for me? sundays drain me, and instead of feeling well-rested, i feel restless.

i feel like i am at a dead end. the things i want to do, i feel like i cant, or i give myself excuses as to why it won't work. as if my dreams and aspirations will never be fulfilled.

i want to move! i want to get out of here. i need new people in my life. a new environment.