i need to rant, or perhaps a cold drink

WOW.

i was literally clenching my fists into my purple sweater as i walked out of my first class this morning. i'm going to use this space to rant about my day. apparently, that's what a lot of bloggers out there do anyway: they rant.

my day today actually begins from yesterday. i spent all of yesterday in the day-time working on my homework and school assignments that were due today, and was planning to use the night to work on a side project, freelance work that i had committed to finishing by thursday night (tonight). i succeeded in this plan up until about 4 in the morning, when i felt my body cramping in weird areas and my neck beginning to hurt, face beginning to swell, and body just sooo tired from staring at a computer screen all day long. so i took a nap, unintentionally, and woke up at 5:30am.

i woke up, and then tried to finish up the freelance writing, but decided that it was too much to handle. so i asked for a day extension (which they granted so graciously, thankfully!!!!!). i really hated myself for asking for that extension though, because it would be my first assignment, and i'm already not living it up. but then again- i am a full-time student......

i had to leave for an event that i was invited to, held at the washington state convention and trade center that began at 7:30am. i was in a rush to get there before 7:30 to network with people and meet new people, but i was running a bit late, and the whole ride i was eyeing the orange ball of light on my dashboard indicating that i was out of gas, or running on fumes, or had 25 miles left. whichever. i decided to think the latter.

i finally got to the center after taking a few wrong turns, paid $6 effing dollars for parking (when last year, i volunteered and got it validated) and realized that they were running a bit late. it was bittersweet because i was relieved that i wasn't late to my table, but kind of sad because i was so rushed... i could've put in the gas back at home...

afterwards, i went to school. paid another $6 for parking. but i checked my email before parking to see if there was the chance that my last professor, my last class of the day, would cancel. no email- so i just paid and went to 1 of 3 of my classes for the day. ... OR SO I THOUGHT.

got to my first class, checked my email about an hour into class, only to read that my last professor of the day is "sick" and CANCELLED CLASS. my heart DROPPED for a few reasons:

1. i spent a good 2 or 3 hours on the homework.
2. i could've spent that time working on my freelance writing
3. if i did the freelance instead, then i might not have felt the need to ask for an extension
4. i paid extra for parking
5. it just pissed me off the heezy for some reason!
6. and i could have also read for my OTHER class, which i didn't get to fully prepare for. well, i guess i'm behind in that class anyways... but still.

so now, here i am. ready to go to my next class, but feeling really confused... because although i'm pissed at my sick professor...

1. it's sunny outside.
2. i can make it to an earlier yoga class

and that's about it.

i still have a bunch of reading to do, and this first freelance writing/research assignment to work on for the rest of the night...

man. all i want is a cold beer. i want to down it, burp really, really loud, and then wash my face and tie my hair back and calm my self, body and soul with an hour and a half of hot yoga.

cheers.

19 & 91

psalm 19 and psalm 91 are resounding with me today. i knew something was tugging at me to go to the keyboard and play.. and i ended up revisitng the place that i missed for quite some time now.

i know that God is real, but i cannot tell you why you should believe Him, too. i hope i am not 'knowing' Him (to the extent that i can know of Him) purely because i am fearful of Him... though, to be honest, that is definitely a big factor in why i claim to know Him.

they say that God is good. and if that is true, then there must exist evil. you can't have one without the other, obviously. i'm not trying to sound like i am super-spiritual and have these spirits around me all the time... but once in a while, i know that something is just tugging at me, in a bad way, and after i've been 'tested,' i realize that that was satan... or some evil 'thing.' and that is how i know that there is a God, because there is an Evil. it confirms it and locks it in my heart.

:)

so i guess, once you have tasted the good fruit, you will never forget it. if you have felt what it feels like to 'know' God, then even if you stray far, He won't let go of you. ...

and how funny is that? that, God might be testing you to your maximum limit before you completely can't handle it anymore, but he will reel you right in when the time is perfect. it kind of seems almost wrong, in a way, that He would be teeter-tottering with us like little puppets on strings, playing until He feels that we've had enough of this scene, and it's time for the next.

but God is not a puppeteer, and we should thank Him for wanting us in the first place. or else we'd be damned forever in hell.

there are still a lot of unanswered questions i have... like, well, what IF i was damned forever in hell? if the pain is excruciating and i am suffering in hell forever, i wonder if i would ever become used to it? they say that God's mercies are new every morning, but what about in hell? is the pain new every morning? and if it is continual, then would one ever become nearly numb to the pain at some point? i can understand that there is an infinite application of joy, but i can't grasp infinite pain for some reason.

and, what about those who will never taste the fruit? why me and not my friend, not my father? why am i chosen and how will my friend and my father know if they ever will be? i want to know.

one year

i started this blog one year ago (april 15, 2009). time flies.

so much can happen within 24 hours - but imagine the change you go through in one year.

i know i just need to knock for the door to open, but i just don't know which door to knock, how loud or soft to knock, when a good time would be, and if i even really want to know what's on the other side of that door...

is it fear that brings you to your knees? and what kind of fear is that?

i'm almost 22 years old but i don't feel a day past 2 sometimes.