fear

i have this problem where i am deathly afraid of man. (not men as in boys and cooties, but man as in human).

and "deathly" afraid is an overstatement but it's somewhat close... i lack words at the moment.

the thought of it is SO bizarre, though, that i would fear an equal... that i would fear man. what can man do to me? if i proclaim that i have all i need and my treasures are stored in a place other than this world, then why would i FEAR man? i have no reason to...

it's a struggle that i am trying to get over.. this fear of man that i have, i don't want it to get any bigger than it is now. it could potentially keep me from doing what i love, it could stab me behind my back, and it will stunt any growing in faith.

why are we so afraid of what people think of us? rejection? rejection from fellow sinners? we should focus on being accepted into the kingdom of God instead... but maybe we're already accepted, and we just have to follow through on the invitation...

i think i have a lot of random things going through my mind right now. i wish i were more rooted in the Word so i could better understand my own questions regarding the gospel. i need doctrine! what do i even believe? how do people attend church and say they are christian when they do not know faith and its complexity...

sleepover

last night/this morning i slept over at my best friend sara's house because her parents went away for the weekend and she was just recently experiencing "gawee," or, a type of sleep paralysis that has to deal with a spiritual encounter with satan as well. i slept next to her so that maybe i could "pray the hell outta her" if it were to happen again, but little did i know, i experienced my first encounter about 20 minutes ago from now.

i was half-awake, and i was actually trying to look over to see whether sara was doing okay because i felt something in me that she wasn't. as i tried to turn over, i was paralyzed and could not move my body- i couldn't even speak or let anything come out of my mouth. the first thoughts that came to mind were to repeat "help sara, help sara" because i think i was in a state of shock and didn't know what else to say.... i was meaning to pray, though. which i did after i "unfroze." but this lasted for no more than probably 30 seconds, but it was enough to let me know that there is a God, He is real, and so is satan.

that's why i'm still awake, because i don't want to go back to that paralyzed fear, where i felt a lot of weight pressing against me so that i just could not physically move. i tried to scream out something, but nothing but my own breath came out - absolutely no sound.