i'm stupid

but to say that you KNOW that you DON'T KNOW
is probably even worse.

don't you see that THAT is the reason why you are still in chains?

yet you answer, "i know..."

stupid- you don't.

1 a.m. thought

i just realized from recent conversations, that:

what i fail at, i like to help others succeed in.

whether that be relationships, religion, dieting, school... etc.

it kinda sounds depressing, but there may be some good to come out of this. if not for me, then at least for people i care about!

keys

i was reminded of how much i enjoy playing the piano. it's been a while since i've played any classical pieces (not that i was good at playing them anyways) but for a big chunk of my life, i've taken piano lessons. on and off for about 6 years or so? today i sat down and started to do what i used to do a lot a couple years ago... :) and though it was not even for an hour, i enjoyed it. i love making music, trying to write lyrics, writing songs.. there's something so refreshing and relieving about it. sometimes you can't express your thoughts through words or through typing out a blog - but if you just play the right notes on a piano, and are lucky to think of a line to sing along with those chords, then it's like you've just hit that "sweet spot" - just as you do when hitting back a tennis ball with a great racket...

i caught a glimpse of my dad fixing his record player a little bit ago, and i realized that... hey, on paper, my dad sounds pretty hip and cool. he's done a lot of random things in his life... has a facebook account, went on a cruise by himself (to clear his mind, i think, after his mom had passed) to mexico, made his own classical guitar, collects records and listens to them on his used record player, and listens to k-pop groups like Girl's Generation. i don't think i've spoken to either of my parents for more than a total of 10 minutes, maybe, in the past 2 weeks. there is just a huge lack of communication in this house... i don't know why.

it's not like we are fighting, or are even mad at each other. we are just... an awkward family when it comes to family-things. rarely do we ever sit and eat a meal together, and when we do, it's usually silent. i think BECAUSE i feel the distance between us, it makes me not want to reach out any more. i always use the excuse of, "oh, when i grow older, i'll mature and be able to talk to them as an adult." but time is so unpredictable.. who knows if there will even be a tomorrow?

if i could, i'd love to stop time... and go away somewhere by myself and immerse myself in a new culture. i think i'm pretty good at being by myself, and i actually don't mind being "lonely" as some might categorize it. i can find lots of ways to pass time, and i'd really love to just take a train or a plane somewhere... and live by myself again for a few weeks or so. :)

until that can become a reality... it's back to homework...

short hair v. long hair

for a good chunk of my life, i've been referred to as "tall with short hair." and i think that basically summed up my high school years and while i played drums in a band, always wearing chucks and a hoody.

and to an extent- that is still in me. (i wear converses and hoodies still, and that will forever be a part of me).

but let's talk about hair... and i've been thinking about this because right now, Great Clips (here's a little plug for them) has a limited deal: haircuts for $7.99. which is pretty sweet, but i mean, Great Clips... how much can you expect from them? my mom actually went in and got a hair cut- she said it took 10 minutes of a trembling student's hand with a result of... almost no difference in her hair at all. =\

but right now, my hair is pretty long. it's almost at the longest length i've ever had it be at.. and i'm actually somewhat proud of it. i'm proud but i'm also really, not used to it. so i just tie it up in buns and ponytails 99.9% of the time. also.. my hair is thin and flat, so it doesn't really look good down.

so i thought that maybe i should just chop it off again... maybe i want to have short hair again...

but if i go back to short hair, then the labels will be posted all over me again, perhaps. there she is, the tomboy tall girl with short hair wearing chucks. but maybe i dont want to be known as that person anymore... and maybe i want long, wavy hair instead. maybe long hair is who i am, now.

i hate that boys have it so easy. i bet they don't really take into consideration all these thoughts before getting a hair cut.. but for me... it could very well be life-changing.

for now, i'm going to let it be and let it grow even longer.

mercy

dear God,

please have mercy on me today.

it's 2:30am and i have a packed day ahead of me. i'll be at school starting from a meeting at 11am, class from 1:30pm until 8:30pm, back to back, starting off with a mid-term that i only got to briefly study for today.

i didn't do any of the assignments for one class. i hope that i won't get called out.

i hope the mid-term is easier than hard... though i did not do the readings required for the exam.

for some reason, i want to rest instead of pull an all-nighter or spend any more time studying/doing homework. am i justifying myself wrongly....??

i'm going to choose to sleep and rest, because after tomorrow, i have to get up and work (aka intern for free). and it'll be another long day. then hopefully i'll be able to catch up...

sincerely, gina the tired but hopeful slacker.

4 more

today is february 1st...

4 more months until i'm 22 and "walk."

just a little scared, a little nervous about it all. i need some clear directions or some guidance. i feel like i know where i can get them, perhaps, but i'm just so distracted, unmotivated, scared to even touch it.. :(

job, my career, where will you be? what will you be? what will I be?