i am such a mess right now. may i leave??.......
and the answer is.... *drumroll, please...*
"no."
!!!
i'm stuck. i don't like where i am and i don't know how to get outta here... so.. frustrating.
the bruise on my arm is looking pretty ugly.
i didn't like today.... but tomorrow is a new day.
a new month, actually.
the month of february. hip-hip-hooray.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
donkey hole
what an ass life can be sometimes.
or maybe, not be, but feels like it is. life is not an ass, i know. but sometimes it can feel like an ass or a pain in it.
so.. i'm frustrated. probably about to start my cycle again because all i want to eat is anything and everything...
but this is only for right now... that i feel like this. in the midst of this, i should say, thank you, Jesus for giving me this pain because... it makes me think about how ...weirdly You mean to me sometimes.
or maybe, not be, but feels like it is. life is not an ass, i know. but sometimes it can feel like an ass or a pain in it.
so.. i'm frustrated. probably about to start my cycle again because all i want to eat is anything and everything...
but this is only for right now... that i feel like this. in the midst of this, i should say, thank you, Jesus for giving me this pain because... it makes me think about how ...weirdly You mean to me sometimes.
Friday, January 8, 2010
54, 21
my dad turned 54 yesterday.
you know you're getting old when you start hurting in your heart when you see white hairs on your parents' head. i glanced over his way as we were eating, and noticed that he was getting some white hairs above his ears. and his glasses help in covering them up a little bit, but i can still see them. he is GETTING OLD... and for some odd reason, i just feel this pang of ... hurt?... guilt? for no clear reason, really. i'm just sad that he's over 50 already and i've done jack squat for him as his only daughter.
well, it's 2010 now, and that is the year that i graduate college. WHAT THE HELL. what. the. hell. what the ........................................... f. i am a bit ashamed to say this, that, i am supposed to be graduating in a matter of months. what have i even accomplished in life? and what does it even matter anyway, if i don't know what's next for me? i'm interning at a company right now, a pretty large non-profit. the department i'm in is right along the lines of what i think i see myself doing... media relations and all that. but for some reason, i'm just not feeling gung-ho about it all. i feel like something is missing. where is my passion to explore and live my 20s like i'll never get those years back?
but i'm only 21. only 21. just 21. twenty-one. twenty-one. twenty-one.
i think i'm the type that needs someone to push me. i have very rare, random moments of gung-ho-ness, and right now... all that is gone. not much motivation, just really tired of this and that. and there really isn't anyone around me to give me that extra push of.... encouragement? hope?... so i guess i'll have to find it somehow on my own. i mean, i'll get there, but it will take time. perhaps more time than i would like for it to take. and selfish me, i kind of almost don't even want anyone's push... i almost want for myself to find *it* myself. whatever it is that will make me go.
you know you're getting old when you start hurting in your heart when you see white hairs on your parents' head. i glanced over his way as we were eating, and noticed that he was getting some white hairs above his ears. and his glasses help in covering them up a little bit, but i can still see them. he is GETTING OLD... and for some odd reason, i just feel this pang of ... hurt?... guilt? for no clear reason, really. i'm just sad that he's over 50 already and i've done jack squat for him as his only daughter.
well, it's 2010 now, and that is the year that i graduate college. WHAT THE HELL. what. the. hell. what the ........................................... f. i am a bit ashamed to say this, that, i am supposed to be graduating in a matter of months. what have i even accomplished in life? and what does it even matter anyway, if i don't know what's next for me? i'm interning at a company right now, a pretty large non-profit. the department i'm in is right along the lines of what i think i see myself doing... media relations and all that. but for some reason, i'm just not feeling gung-ho about it all. i feel like something is missing. where is my passion to explore and live my 20s like i'll never get those years back?
but i'm only 21. only 21. just 21. twenty-one. twenty-one. twenty-one.
i think i'm the type that needs someone to push me. i have very rare, random moments of gung-ho-ness, and right now... all that is gone. not much motivation, just really tired of this and that. and there really isn't anyone around me to give me that extra push of.... encouragement? hope?... so i guess i'll have to find it somehow on my own. i mean, i'll get there, but it will take time. perhaps more time than i would like for it to take. and selfish me, i kind of almost don't even want anyone's push... i almost want for myself to find *it* myself. whatever it is that will make me go.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
tell me your story
tell me, what's your story?
and where is mine?
my story is simple. one word can sum it up, as a friend rightly suggested to me:
"Grace."
that is the story of my life.
no religious pun intended, nothing mushy, not toooo much of a cliche'...
but, grace is what it comes down to. after all the mess-ups and screw-ups, big-time fails and losses, a little bit of grace was given me so that i can say that with confidence today. kinda like a miracle. i don't deserve to be here, not sure why i still AM here... but i am.
so i'm on this journey of how to BEST tell my "story" without it being so religiony and in christianese. um.... i'd like to be genuine.. real.. and transparent.
but first, i must do some soul-searching! and where does one EVEN begin?!
and where is mine?
my story is simple. one word can sum it up, as a friend rightly suggested to me:
"Grace."
that is the story of my life.
no religious pun intended, nothing mushy, not toooo much of a cliche'...
but, grace is what it comes down to. after all the mess-ups and screw-ups, big-time fails and losses, a little bit of grace was given me so that i can say that with confidence today. kinda like a miracle. i don't deserve to be here, not sure why i still AM here... but i am.
so i'm on this journey of how to BEST tell my "story" without it being so religiony and in christianese. um.... i'd like to be genuine.. real.. and transparent.
but first, i must do some soul-searching! and where does one EVEN begin?!
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
because of you
because of you, tonight, i cannot sleep at the hour that i wanted to.
i toss and turn, switch from the hot side to the cold side of my pillow and press my cheek against the cotton fabric only to be dissatisfied in a matter of minutes. you make my temperature high.
i can hardly breathe because of you... i have to force myself to eat because of you, sometimes.
i cannot focus and it's hard to think straight. it's as if you are forever with me and in me and a part of me that i can't detach myself from.
how i WANT so badly to drift far, far away from you...
snot.. phlegm.. sickness. go away! because of you i can't be what i want to be!
i toss and turn, switch from the hot side to the cold side of my pillow and press my cheek against the cotton fabric only to be dissatisfied in a matter of minutes. you make my temperature high.
i can hardly breathe because of you... i have to force myself to eat because of you, sometimes.
i cannot focus and it's hard to think straight. it's as if you are forever with me and in me and a part of me that i can't detach myself from.
how i WANT so badly to drift far, far away from you...
snot.. phlegm.. sickness. go away! because of you i can't be what i want to be!
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