old journals

i was getting ready to go to bed last night, but wasn't in the greatest mood. i felt like i really needed to read some scripture before heading to bed in order for me to feel somewhat at peace. but it turned out that my bible was nowhere to be found! so i searched for my other bible, the one with bigger font and i keep at home... but i just couldn't find where it was either. i don't know if i was over-reacting, but i just felt like satan was really getting in the way of what i wanted. i had a huge craving for reading scripture (which i don't normally get all the time) and JUST when i feel like i needed it the most, it was unavailable. i felt kind of defeated, in a weird way.

so instead, i read an old journal that i had written in during the year 2007. and man, the stuff i write in these journals of mine... bring me to tears.. haha. how sad is that? but i realized that people have definitely had their effect on me, and in particular, a couple of guys definitely did. and i just didn't like reading these entries about things that are so small compared to the bigger picture. but i did realize that some of my prayer requests have changed... i used to pray a certain prayer for someone, but now it's not the case. some prayers change over time, i guess. which i find odd to take in...

anyway. i just feel really empty right now because i'm not filling myself up with what i want- but more importantly, what i need. 

i really wish i had a core group of faithful, God-fearing people around me to encourage and be encouraged by. how amazing would it be to replace all of our conversations about celebrity gossip, pop stars, movies and clothes with the wonders of God, spiritual battles, the hunger in our hearts, and everyday blessings? i wonder if this is what we all long for, but no one is the first to bring it up. but i'm also aware that these groups of people do exist... so in that case, maybe it's me who needs to bring it up. i'm not saying that we need to be citing the words of Jesus every minute, but... i guess for me, i just don't get much of that, and it's something i crave. 

i was struck with a puzzling but real quote i heard the other day.. and i think it was probably from a sermon, but it was regarding Jesus' coming. what will you be doing when Jesus comes? He can come at any time, at any moment in our lives... do you really want to be watching TV or getting drunk, or swearing at your enemy when Jesus comes? i don't know.. it just made me step back a bit and think about what i should be doing in preparation for His coming.

it doesn't feel like service when you're in love

this is an entry copy and pasted from my xanga 4/7/09 entry... just wanted to reflect upon it again.

when you are in love with someone, you are willing to do anything for that person. i'm not saying that i've ever been in love or i've never been in love, but they say people are "crazy" in love for a reason; because people in love tend to do ridiculous things sometimes.
when you are in love with someone, you don't care about going the extra mile or two for them.
you don't mind serving them because it makes YOU happy.
you are so happy to give whatever you can to that person, because you are so in love with that person... and for once,

serving doesn't feel like a burden...

and even if you've never been in love, maybe you've thought, "man, i'd do ANYTHING for her...," even if you're referring to a pop star or actress. it just shows how much this being-in-love thing can really change the way we live.

it only makes sense now, to question whether we really are in love with God.
am i so in love with God that what i do doesn't feel like "service"? is my love for him so real, that i'm willing to do whatever for Him- and all this out of my own will and because i want to? because i love Him so much?

and so when we compare this with our service toward the church, man... it shouldn't even feel like we are really "serving" in a sense. if we truly love the church then naturally everything we do will be overflowing from the love for the church in our hearts. and you can never serve the church enough.

i don't do francis chan justice in this message, but yeah... that line just made me step back for a moment. "it doesn't feel like service when you're in love."

first thought

i'm going to try blogging consistently on this instead of bits and pieces of my thoughts on xanga and livejournal...

and i'm going to try to do it while thinking of the bigger picture.