time of transition

i think i might have avoided blogging for a while because i was afraid of what i would write.

tomorrow (well, today, wednesday) i will turn in my last BS-ed paper as an undergraduate student. my last paper, ever. i spent this summer catching up on my last credits so that i could graduate "on time" but i kind of.... just a tad bit.... regret having taken summer quarter. now it leaves me face to face with post-grad realities that i do not want to face. but come tomorrow at noon, i am there.

hello, how do you do?

i am easily inspired and easily influenced. this is why i must tackle the good inspirations and positive influences to rev me up to do great things in life, without being a lazy bum waiting for such things. tonight, i found one inspiration: P!NK, the artist, who performed a phenomenal song at the Grammys this past year, displayed such a passionate performance of her song, "Glitter in the Air." i've probably seen the clip 100 times by now, and pretty sure that i've shed a few tears while watching it some time ago. her face at the end of the clip is priceless.

i want that feeling... the feeling of accomplishment, that feeling of, "wow.. what just happened was amazing, and i was a part of it." i want that.

where do i want to go next? i have so many options in front of me.

i am so lucky, so blessed to have supporting parents. sure, they'll question me sometimes, but if i love something or have a goal, they are not parents who would block me from such opportunities- instead, they would help pave a road for me. i could travel, i could move.. i could go back to school, i could work... i could do a lot of things. the confusing part is choosing the door. which do i open?

i love the ambiguity and vagueness of not knowing. but society doesn't. society and people, my peers even, do not like people without a plan. but what's the rush? i am a mere 22 year old girl. i've got at least a few years ahead of me to do what ever the hell i feel like. as long as it's sound, of course. i do not want to become an irrational person.

articulation

why is story-time always the favorite time of day for schoolchildren? it's obviously because there is something behind the telling of a story that intrigues humans' minds to focus, concentrate, listen, and think. aside from nap time and snack time - a wonderful story or book spoken to students by a teacher is probably one of the most precious moments of pre-school/kindergarten.

no one wants to listen to a bad story, though.

instead... try animating it by using hand motions, changing the tone of your voice, and strategically using (or not using) direct eye contact.

i am not a good storyteller, but i would like to be.

peeves

everyone has random but specific things that make them cringe. they call these things "pet peeves," and i would like to list mine, in no particular order:

1. when guys wear Express polos with the huge lion or tiger logo on it and think that they're the ish. i'm sorry... you're not.

2. people, especially guys, who type "ya" when saying "yeah" as a response... not my preference.

i will add to this list as things come to mind.

family

i have a new found love for my family tonight. and it's so rare that i find myself imagining this, repeating this scene in my head - it sounds like a typical dinner scene from a movie: my aunts, uncles, mom and dad gathered around our dining room area, sharing in a time of laughter and love.

i know that my family has gone through so much hurt and pain the past several years. the death of mothers, death of fathers, death of children. death and dying is a really sensitive issue in this family. and i sincerely reflect upon their lives this memorial day weekend. i know what it is like to have lost and then loved, though usually it's common that one loves and then loses. i can't help but love my family even more so now than ever before. i know i have their full on support, but i have so much fucking pride within me, i cannot express to them how grateful i am just for their presence, for their cooking, for their homemade cakes, for their hand-me-downs.

i just really hope that somehow, God or something will be able to let them know that i love them so much and i would do anything for their benefit if i could. i am just overwhelmed with love right now, i feel so loved and i feel so much love for them. but at the same time, i really regret not showing them the affection that they so desperately need. since most or all of them do not go to church, they've never experienced what that type of 'family' is like. granted, a lot of churches are stereotyped and have cliques and give off bad vibes and impressions... but if we dig deep and look at what holds these churches all together, it's purely by the grace of God. i know that i've tasted what's good, and so i'll never forget it.

it's hitting me now. i'm graduating from college... finally. i feel so lucky and privileged to have attained this degree that so many cannot even ever dream to afford.

i need confirmation, support, guidance. but God, it's been so long.

wrapping it up

i'm having fun.

i am 21 years old, 22 in just 3 weeks. graduating college, and as of now, i don't have a "career" right out of school, but i'm not stressing about it because...

i'm having fun.

and isn't that what life is all about? you only live once: meet new people, have fun, try to avoid mistakes and make connections along the way.

sometimes i regret that i hadn't pursued music. some people may think that i didn't really have a genuine talent, or that girl drummers were just not legit - but i'm not saying that i've always wanted to be a professional drummer. i just don't want to end my relationship with music, ever.

since my parents have been out of town this week, i had the WONDERFUL opportunity of having the house to myself. this means, that i could play the piano and sing my heart out at 2am without a worry.

I MISS IT!!! I MISS MAKING MUSIC. I MISS RECORDING. I MISS GOING TO THE STUDIO. I MISS AUTO-TUNE.

feeling very nostalgic now... just in time for finals. one more week, and come thursday.... game over.

stressful sundays

why is it that the day of rest is the most stressful of the week for me? sundays drain me, and instead of feeling well-rested, i feel restless.

i feel like i am at a dead end. the things i want to do, i feel like i cant, or i give myself excuses as to why it won't work. as if my dreams and aspirations will never be fulfilled.

i want to move! i want to get out of here. i need new people in my life. a new environment.

i need to rant, or perhaps a cold drink

WOW.

i was literally clenching my fists into my purple sweater as i walked out of my first class this morning. i'm going to use this space to rant about my day. apparently, that's what a lot of bloggers out there do anyway: they rant.

my day today actually begins from yesterday. i spent all of yesterday in the day-time working on my homework and school assignments that were due today, and was planning to use the night to work on a side project, freelance work that i had committed to finishing by thursday night (tonight). i succeeded in this plan up until about 4 in the morning, when i felt my body cramping in weird areas and my neck beginning to hurt, face beginning to swell, and body just sooo tired from staring at a computer screen all day long. so i took a nap, unintentionally, and woke up at 5:30am.

i woke up, and then tried to finish up the freelance writing, but decided that it was too much to handle. so i asked for a day extension (which they granted so graciously, thankfully!!!!!). i really hated myself for asking for that extension though, because it would be my first assignment, and i'm already not living it up. but then again- i am a full-time student......

i had to leave for an event that i was invited to, held at the washington state convention and trade center that began at 7:30am. i was in a rush to get there before 7:30 to network with people and meet new people, but i was running a bit late, and the whole ride i was eyeing the orange ball of light on my dashboard indicating that i was out of gas, or running on fumes, or had 25 miles left. whichever. i decided to think the latter.

i finally got to the center after taking a few wrong turns, paid $6 effing dollars for parking (when last year, i volunteered and got it validated) and realized that they were running a bit late. it was bittersweet because i was relieved that i wasn't late to my table, but kind of sad because i was so rushed... i could've put in the gas back at home...

afterwards, i went to school. paid another $6 for parking. but i checked my email before parking to see if there was the chance that my last professor, my last class of the day, would cancel. no email- so i just paid and went to 1 of 3 of my classes for the day. ... OR SO I THOUGHT.

got to my first class, checked my email about an hour into class, only to read that my last professor of the day is "sick" and CANCELLED CLASS. my heart DROPPED for a few reasons:

1. i spent a good 2 or 3 hours on the homework.
2. i could've spent that time working on my freelance writing
3. if i did the freelance instead, then i might not have felt the need to ask for an extension
4. i paid extra for parking
5. it just pissed me off the heezy for some reason!
6. and i could have also read for my OTHER class, which i didn't get to fully prepare for. well, i guess i'm behind in that class anyways... but still.

so now, here i am. ready to go to my next class, but feeling really confused... because although i'm pissed at my sick professor...

1. it's sunny outside.
2. i can make it to an earlier yoga class

and that's about it.

i still have a bunch of reading to do, and this first freelance writing/research assignment to work on for the rest of the night...

man. all i want is a cold beer. i want to down it, burp really, really loud, and then wash my face and tie my hair back and calm my self, body and soul with an hour and a half of hot yoga.

cheers.