19 & 91

psalm 19 and psalm 91 are resounding with me today. i knew something was tugging at me to go to the keyboard and play.. and i ended up revisitng the place that i missed for quite some time now.

i know that God is real, but i cannot tell you why you should believe Him, too. i hope i am not 'knowing' Him (to the extent that i can know of Him) purely because i am fearful of Him... though, to be honest, that is definitely a big factor in why i claim to know Him.

they say that God is good. and if that is true, then there must exist evil. you can't have one without the other, obviously. i'm not trying to sound like i am super-spiritual and have these spirits around me all the time... but once in a while, i know that something is just tugging at me, in a bad way, and after i've been 'tested,' i realize that that was satan... or some evil 'thing.' and that is how i know that there is a God, because there is an Evil. it confirms it and locks it in my heart.

:)

so i guess, once you have tasted the good fruit, you will never forget it. if you have felt what it feels like to 'know' God, then even if you stray far, He won't let go of you. ...

and how funny is that? that, God might be testing you to your maximum limit before you completely can't handle it anymore, but he will reel you right in when the time is perfect. it kind of seems almost wrong, in a way, that He would be teeter-tottering with us like little puppets on strings, playing until He feels that we've had enough of this scene, and it's time for the next.

but God is not a puppeteer, and we should thank Him for wanting us in the first place. or else we'd be damned forever in hell.

there are still a lot of unanswered questions i have... like, well, what IF i was damned forever in hell? if the pain is excruciating and i am suffering in hell forever, i wonder if i would ever become used to it? they say that God's mercies are new every morning, but what about in hell? is the pain new every morning? and if it is continual, then would one ever become nearly numb to the pain at some point? i can understand that there is an infinite application of joy, but i can't grasp infinite pain for some reason.

and, what about those who will never taste the fruit? why me and not my friend, not my father? why am i chosen and how will my friend and my father know if they ever will be? i want to know.

one year

i started this blog one year ago (april 15, 2009). time flies.

so much can happen within 24 hours - but imagine the change you go through in one year.

i know i just need to knock for the door to open, but i just don't know which door to knock, how loud or soft to knock, when a good time would be, and if i even really want to know what's on the other side of that door...

is it fear that brings you to your knees? and what kind of fear is that?

i'm almost 22 years old but i don't feel a day past 2 sometimes.

awkward turtle, awkward penguin

i'm awkward right now.

you know when you see tweens walking down the streets, colored hair, piercings here and there, not really sure of who they want to be in high school...? that's an awkward phase that we all go through, i think. it's right before or when puberty strikes.
though i'm 21 (still very young...) i still have that awkward side to me that reminds me of back when i tried to find my place at the cafeteria of my middle school/high school. to a certain extent, i'm still trying to figure out what color to dye my hair that week, and what trends i should follow so that i could better blend in with that table over there.

it SCARES me to even think about post-grad plans. i never thought i would come to this point in my life. okay.. that's a lie, but i just never thought it would hit me all at once, without a warning. but here i am, face-to-face with it. and i'm broken.. pretty much blank and empty. i read somewhere (ok fine, in a magazine..) that you should learn to be your own best friend because you just can't trust anyone. at first thought, that sounds so bitter! what a pessimistic view on humanity. but on second thought... maybe i want to be my best friend, because i want to be able to trust myself with all of my decisions. so that's why i decided that i actually like that statement.. to be best friends with yourself first before others. sometimes being selfish can be rewarding, in a twisted way. every man for themself sometimes, right?

on a separate but somewhat related note... let me tell you, whoever you are, reading: satan grabs a foothold of you, and that is all he needs. i can literally feel myself sinking down with him sometimes, i know that i'm not going the right direction sometimes, but i follow that road anyways because it's easier and tempting. that's the dangerous part. but i try and justify my life by thinking, "since i'm always thinking and being tempted, this could be healthy. it's better than being numb, right?" and that's where it gets quite skewed, honestly.

tonight, i don't feel like growing up. but i really have this yearning for a husband. i want to get married and share my life with one man and do great things together. then have kids and do great things as a family and be the best mom ever. this dream will come true someday! just not now, i guess.

right now, i just want to hit myself in the head for not planning ahead. i have this habit of putting things off until tomorrow... "tomorrow, i'll clean my room. tomorrow, i'll apply to that company. tomorrow, i'll finally read that book." but the scary thing is that... tomorrow may never even come.

i'm stupid

but to say that you KNOW that you DON'T KNOW
is probably even worse.

don't you see that THAT is the reason why you are still in chains?

yet you answer, "i know..."

stupid- you don't.

1 a.m. thought

i just realized from recent conversations, that:

what i fail at, i like to help others succeed in.

whether that be relationships, religion, dieting, school... etc.

it kinda sounds depressing, but there may be some good to come out of this. if not for me, then at least for people i care about!

keys

i was reminded of how much i enjoy playing the piano. it's been a while since i've played any classical pieces (not that i was good at playing them anyways) but for a big chunk of my life, i've taken piano lessons. on and off for about 6 years or so? today i sat down and started to do what i used to do a lot a couple years ago... :) and though it was not even for an hour, i enjoyed it. i love making music, trying to write lyrics, writing songs.. there's something so refreshing and relieving about it. sometimes you can't express your thoughts through words or through typing out a blog - but if you just play the right notes on a piano, and are lucky to think of a line to sing along with those chords, then it's like you've just hit that "sweet spot" - just as you do when hitting back a tennis ball with a great racket...

i caught a glimpse of my dad fixing his record player a little bit ago, and i realized that... hey, on paper, my dad sounds pretty hip and cool. he's done a lot of random things in his life... has a facebook account, went on a cruise by himself (to clear his mind, i think, after his mom had passed) to mexico, made his own classical guitar, collects records and listens to them on his used record player, and listens to k-pop groups like Girl's Generation. i don't think i've spoken to either of my parents for more than a total of 10 minutes, maybe, in the past 2 weeks. there is just a huge lack of communication in this house... i don't know why.

it's not like we are fighting, or are even mad at each other. we are just... an awkward family when it comes to family-things. rarely do we ever sit and eat a meal together, and when we do, it's usually silent. i think BECAUSE i feel the distance between us, it makes me not want to reach out any more. i always use the excuse of, "oh, when i grow older, i'll mature and be able to talk to them as an adult." but time is so unpredictable.. who knows if there will even be a tomorrow?

if i could, i'd love to stop time... and go away somewhere by myself and immerse myself in a new culture. i think i'm pretty good at being by myself, and i actually don't mind being "lonely" as some might categorize it. i can find lots of ways to pass time, and i'd really love to just take a train or a plane somewhere... and live by myself again for a few weeks or so. :)

until that can become a reality... it's back to homework...

short hair v. long hair

for a good chunk of my life, i've been referred to as "tall with short hair." and i think that basically summed up my high school years and while i played drums in a band, always wearing chucks and a hoody.

and to an extent- that is still in me. (i wear converses and hoodies still, and that will forever be a part of me).

but let's talk about hair... and i've been thinking about this because right now, Great Clips (here's a little plug for them) has a limited deal: haircuts for $7.99. which is pretty sweet, but i mean, Great Clips... how much can you expect from them? my mom actually went in and got a hair cut- she said it took 10 minutes of a trembling student's hand with a result of... almost no difference in her hair at all. =\

but right now, my hair is pretty long. it's almost at the longest length i've ever had it be at.. and i'm actually somewhat proud of it. i'm proud but i'm also really, not used to it. so i just tie it up in buns and ponytails 99.9% of the time. also.. my hair is thin and flat, so it doesn't really look good down.

so i thought that maybe i should just chop it off again... maybe i want to have short hair again...

but if i go back to short hair, then the labels will be posted all over me again, perhaps. there she is, the tomboy tall girl with short hair wearing chucks. but maybe i dont want to be known as that person anymore... and maybe i want long, wavy hair instead. maybe long hair is who i am, now.

i hate that boys have it so easy. i bet they don't really take into consideration all these thoughts before getting a hair cut.. but for me... it could very well be life-changing.

for now, i'm going to let it be and let it grow even longer.