doors

today was eventful. i shed tears of... sadness and joy. i'm realizing that people i am attached to are soon leaving. relationships that i thought would/could take another step, are coming to a halt. change is coming, and i am super excited to see what the heck God has in store. i am excited, yet a bit in mourning because of the absence of beautiful smiles on Sunday morning.

that, and i am also going to declare... here on my lonely but lovely blog, that i am about to make the most out of my singleness. for as long as i'm single, i am about to accomplish some great things on my own under God's guidance, so that i can better equip my future husband, whom i am praying for now.

God, thank you for giving answers and for speaking to those who seek you earnestly. thank you, God, for being so patient with me.

they say, when one door shuts, another opens. in my case, i'd like to think that i am on a journey to discover all the doors in my life. i want to experience shutting and opening them as i move forward, focused on the prize that awaits me.

all i can say, is, "Ok, God." and follow. i'm in a bit of a mess right now. God, ease my heart... give me peace and understanding and j o y... help me want to seek... desperately. destroy me.

He doesn't need me

I'm just going to play off of that line i stated at the end of my previous post.... it's still resounding in my ear. maybe God's trying to reveal something to me. (funny how i have to type this all out... if i don't, i'm pretty sure i would have just been frustrated and cried my frustration to sleep).

i've heard it been said by Francis Chan, a pastor who is just soooo real. so loving. i can just feel it... through... the podcasts. haha. though i don't have a personal relationship with him, bless Francis Chan's heart for speaking to me even through these media outlets.

"God doesn't need me, but He wants me."

that statement alone, right now, is just so powerful. it makes me stop and just chew... chew a lot. so God... this God that i've been taught of, this God that i claim to have had a personal relationship with... yeah. i know it. i know just how GREAT and how powerful He is... really. no... wait.. no i don't. i only know how great He is to the extent of how my definition of "great" is, though He is, in fact incomprehendable.. so i cannot even fathom this greatness...

God is a God who is POWER. there is a whole history of His mighty works... almost unbelievable, but ask for faith, ask for His glory to be shown to you and ask for Him to break your HEART by revealing to you what He can do... and you will taste... just TASTE, like half of a sample of a taste, how powerful He is. i don't know the bible inside and out, but i do know a handful of stories that just amaze me. and i do believe it. i know it, because it is real to me.. it's real to me.... but i'm still struggling to swallow it all... well, at least that's the conclusion i'm coming to, because i can't seem to repent and fully lay my burdens at the foot of the cross.. which is what i should do, if the gospel is true for me.

and the gospel, the gospel to me, is this: that it has BEEN FINISHED. that it has been done when Christ died for me, when he was spat upon, when he suffered for me, when he DIED for MY sins... for the sins that this selfish, dirty, unworthy person have committed... this MAN WHO IS GOD DIED FOR ME. and why??? why would any crazy person do that? well, in this case, it's because he loved me. and he loves me. and he will always love me. aghhhhhh... and that's just soooo amazing... because you see, he died even before i was born.

so what else can i do but praise Him for the rest of my life until i get to see Him face-to-face after this short life on earth? and why the hell am i living like this, when i only get one life? i only get one life to live, one life to preachhhhhhhh the hell out of people.................. even my own family members...... why.. why...? wait... the first "why" is for, why am i not sharing this GOSPEL that i know, to them?.... and the second "why" is for, why don't they already know? why is it me that is sharing with them, and not them with me? why is it that i am someone who is aware of this, and they are people who are not? is it because i am chosen and they are not? does that mean my dad will be going to hell? or is it in my hands (though ultimately God working through me) to share the love of God to my dad? ah. confusion.

and someone once told me that confusion does NOT come from God.
so is this the evil one within me? .... actually, yeah. i can see that... that makes sense. i should be totally at peace if i have the peace of God. no questions, no confusion... because there should be none, if the Gospel of Christ is my life.

i totally went off a tangent or two here. i initially thought that i wanted to say more about God not needing me but wanting me.. but i guess it all ties together in the end.

so, this God.... God.. He wants me. and what kind of a person would do that? you have everything you could ever imagine. like, imagine yourself as a person who has everything: money, love, friends, joy, etc... well, i know this is not EVER going to be true, because you would be God if you had everything... but, in the most purest way, imagine yourself to be God (without any thought of wanting to be Him). see, you have everything. you have what you want, because.... you created it all. you even created these little extras called humans, who have failed you, though you made them. but since you ARE love, since you are soo good, you have the ability to love them so much that you want them.. you do not need them, heck no... but you want them...

that makes me feel good. it is such a good feeling to know that you are loved, and to feel it. i fail, too often, to BELIEVE what i say and what i hear. it touches me, sure, here and there i get some good points and a few tears, but when it CONVICTS me... that is when, i believe, and i hope, to become a different person. a woman who fears God. i know i'm on that track. but i also know it'll take time. because God is molding me right now, and i can feel it. it's just that i have to not allow Satan to continue poking at me. it's all good though- because God is on my side, He is in control of my life, and it's just up to me to just let go.... and let God..

but He wants me

What the heck is wrong with me? i know what i need to do, i know the problem, i know the solution, i'm well aware of it all... but why am i not following through...? the only answer i see is that, maybe, all of this just isn't as "BIG" to me... but i tell myself, "no. i DO know the extent of how important this all is. i DO know how "BIG" this is." yet, i do nothing. i sit and stare and ponder at how stupid and selfish i am for staying the same. i hate that i am just so freely allowing satan to grab foothold of me.. and even if it is just a pinky toe that he's gotten a hold of- that's all he needs to stop me from running to God.

excuses, excuses, excuses. they will always be there to comfort me, to make me feel like i'm okay to be where i'm at. but what is so frustrating is, that, i am almost 100% certain that i know the importance of the gospel. i've heard it been preached for the past... no wait... for.. my entire life. i even teach it. i tell others; i, to an extent, counsel others on this matter... i critique others. i judge. but i don't boast of my knowledge (because that in itself, for me, is very, very limited), but i can confidently say, "hey... yeah. i've heard it... i go to church." BUT to just say this, and to mutter this under my breath is what frustrates me even more. i frustrate myself.

i've said this for the past couple of weeks... and i know i have at least 2 people praying for me... but wow. i need Jesus back in my life, and i need Him to be more "real" to me than ever. gosh- and i know just how scary it is to be at the point where one becomes apathetic about their (non-extistent) relationship with Christ.

this, then, makes me question: do i even KNOW this Christ? if He is soooo great, if He "saved" me, and if He has "redeemed" me... why am i like this? why am i not compelled to go back to this savior that i (claim to) love?

there is so much effing pride within me. i hate my pride. or is it pride? what is it? what is in me that is just letting me be stagnant? laziness? maybe it's a bit of both.

i know what i need to do. i know what i want. but i don't feel the need to go get 'em. that's the dangerous point. but... i still have hope, i still have faith. and i praise God for that sooo much. His saving grace... my gosh. if it weren't for this hope and His love and this faith that He has allowed me to taste, then.... game over. i'd be done. i'd fail. but He just picks me up ever so slightly, ever so softly and ever so gently... He handles me so well. i am soo... unworthy. who the hell would want me in the midst of their righteousness, in their holy kingdom? He does not need me. He does not NEED you. He is all good in just Himself. wow... but see, the thing is.....

He wants me.

follow through

one of the most important techniques while playing tennis is to FOLLOW THROUGH on your swing... as it is with most other sports, i'm assuming (baseball- following through on your swing; football- following through on your throw).

but have you ever made a promise and never followed through on it? i think about the times i've said, "ok. i will devote x amount of hours to God this week in quiet time and prayer, at this time and this place." .....and i never do it. i do not follow through. the sad truth is, God is there when i make that promise (even if it's to myself) and there He is, at the end of the week, and i've basically just stood Him up. totally dissed Him, for lack of better words. and that just really tore me apart when i realized that...

how hurt would i be, if i were the one whose promise was unfulfilled due to someone's laziness?

but the best thing is.... man. God is just so good. He always loves us even though we stand Him up, lie to Him, break promises everyday... He always is faithful.

and when our burden gets heavy, He is there to lift it off our shoulders. we just need to seek Him and pray to Him, ask Him for His help and His mercy. God is totally able. that's just SO amazing, how, even though i might feel so burdened or hurt by someone or something, i can always just count on God to take those feelings of anger and hurt away.... but it'll only come if i seek His help and wisdom.

that's what i'm challenged to do today.

Questions for Week 7

1. In the beginning of chapter 6, entitled, “The Psychology of Persuasion,” Woodward and Denton discuss three hypothetical constructs that serve as cognitive elements of persuasion: beliefs, attitudes, and values. A “belief” is defined as something we personally know to be true or false, “our convictions – even if others disagree” (page 133). However, the authors later mention that our ranking of beliefs change over time, giving the example of one’s view on abortion possibly changing after encountering a rape victim or becoming a parent. Do you think that knowledge gives us reason to believe? Or perhaps that personal experience or encounter cause one to believe? When talking about beliefs, I automatically think of words like, “religion,” “faith,” and “God.” Does more knowledge necessarily cause one to believe more or less in something? Or does it go beyond facts and figures, and perhaps “blind faith,” as some religious people may label it, to fully have belief in something?

2. The stimulus-response theory is described on page 139 by offering a behavioral model for persuasion. Woodward and Denton explain that, “the most famous example of this theory is Pavlov’s dog: each time the dog received food, a bell would ring. Soon, the sound of the bell alone was sufficient to make the animal salivate.” Is it true to you that you only learn what is right and what is wrong by hearing from someone who states that it is or is not? When do you know that you have not experienced a “conditioned outcome?” When we are constantly told that we are “good, beautiful, or smart (page 139)” by someone, is this really the only means of how we “learn” what behavior is acceptable and what is not? Lastly, is there perhaps another means to knowing how we come about what we agree and disagree with, or does it only come through others' attitudes and behaviors that trigger us to think the same way?

3. It is true that most audiences are attracted to the rich and famous, and to advertisements with their favorite celebrity as a spokesperson. The series of examples Woodward and Denton give on page 140 of their book regarding the Michelob advertisements and the painting by Smith and the painting by Picasso all serve as solid statements as to why these ads and the concept of “conditioning” work. However, do you think these ads are effective in that they not only attract audiences, but follow through in producing consumers in the end? We can give a round of applause to the creative directors for coming up with catchy phrases and appealing images, but just how effective are they? Do they perhaps, detract us away from these products because of the need to feel “unique” and go against the grain instead of with the crowd? It seems like, especially in today’s world, that people are striving for a sense of individuality. Do these advertisements using the concept of conditioning appeal to you, or, do they seem like just another advertorial or advertisement trying to suck you in to their strategy?

tearfall

does the holy spirit only speak to those who seek it?

i know that if you seek the holy spirit, it will speak to you in its own way- but what about when the holy spirit moves in a person to do something... does that person need to be one who is constantly seeking the holy spirit? does that person need to be in the word to know if it is being sought by the holy spirit? this is just a thought that occurred to me tonight.

why i ask this, is because i think i have either been ignoring the holy spirit or ignoring my first instinct as of late. usually, this occurs in a group setting where i feel a desire to say something that's on my mind.. but i don't because of fear. i don't want to admit it, but i know that i'm a scaredy cat at heart, and fear the judgment of people- whether they will judge me or 'falsely' judge me. WHICH i should not even be afraid of, because i know (or say that i know) that it is FINISHED and forgiven and complete at the foot of the cross, where i have been redeemed.

aside from that, though.. i also have this "problem" where i tend to get very emotional over the tiniest things. someone will share a story or a praise report a a short prayer request and i feel like if i just have a 'moment' to myself, i can start bawling in tears for them. it's like i can almost feel what they are going through.

and when people tell you, "i understand... i know what you're going through..." usually, it means nothing because... well, no one can really understand to the extent that Jesus can. but sometimes i feel, like physically can feel the weight of their burden on my heart for some strange reason. it's not like i ask for it, but i sometimes can really, really empathize with that person, though i have not been in the same or even similar situation. or maybe they just touch a soft spot in my heart... the spot that brings about waterfalls from my eyes... tearfalls..?

basically, i want to be able to control my emotions. control my tears. because i feel like i will come off as a ''weak'' person, and very fragile and just emotional if i just let the reigns loose. and i do know that i am weak. but i want to be spiritually strong in the Lord and just not be ashamed anymore... and not have these chains straining me down. i need to repent of ignoring what may have been the holy spirit. but can one control their emotions? am i stopping the tears from falling or am i stopping the holy spirit to do its will? i want to stop the tears but i do not want to stop the spirit.

usually, a girl coming off as ''emotional'' is not the best thing. it has a negative vibe, at least it does for me when i hear that, "oh she's SO emotional...!" and to know that i kinda am this girl... sucks, honestly. because i dont like that stereotype. and to be dead honest, maybe i want to be strong on the outside because i am weak on the inside. and i know i am weak. but again, i want to be strong in Christ, and know this is possible. just look at the people of the Bible. only through Christ's grace did they endure hardship and trial- only to come out as a better servant to Him.

i hate crying. and i especially hate it when i cry in front of people. this is whyyyy i don't open up to many. this is why i don't ''share'' too much of my personal life and personal thoughts because i will just end up with a paper towel roll in my hand (because i prefer them over tissue).

but either i need to pray that God take away some tears...? or that He may be able to make me become okay and perhaps even proud of it, in a sense. but even that-- why must i need to know that it is "ok"?? this is really frustrating because i know that all my sins are TAKEN CARE OF! i know it. and i know that i know. but maybe, just maybe... i haven't let it sink it as deeply as i should... and maybe that's why i'm not really getting the big picture just yet.

Charitie de Cheney Lees Smith Bancroft

what a fancy name. she is the author of these amazing lyrics:

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea.
A great high Priest whose Name is Love
Who ever lives and pleads for me.
My name is graven on His hands,
My name is written on His heart.
I know that while in Heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart.

When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end of all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free.
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me.

Behold Him there the risen Lamb,
My perfect spotless righteousness,
The great unchangeable I AM,
The King of glory and of grace,
One in Himself I cannot die.
My soul is purchased by His blood,
My life is hid with Christ on high,
With Christ my Savior and my God!