anniversary

there are so many things that i WANT but don't NEED and cannot really afford.... well.... i take that back - i suppose i could whip out a credit card and max it out if i really wanted to, but i'm not the type to really splurge. but for some reason, i have this real craving to spend some money. why does it happen to be when i am unemployed and nordstrom's anniversary sale is going on? why, why, why?

i also wish there were more bus routes from my home to seattle... er, seattle university in particular. it's a drag to wake up 2 hours early before class to commute on the hot bus ride only to transfer in the middle of downtown to get TO class. and you're restricted by all these time charts and have a silent curfew.

i think i'm in complain-mode because i'm broke and want to shop. but sometimes you have to bite your lip and keep it in - BECAUSE IT'S NOT NECESSARY......... this is what i will say to myself...

but the other side of me says, you only live once.

almost a decade

i had this sudden twang of feeling that made me take a step back and look at my surroundings. i almost don't want to be surrounded by the same people anymore. the kind that i'm so used to and so comfortable with... i almost want to immerse myself in a new culture and become familiar with the unfamiliar just to get out of my comfort zone and to taste what other flavors there are out there for me.

it's true that i've been within this "group" that might not be any more than another social group, for almost ten years. this place i call church has been a part of my life, and maybe it's become a lifestyle for me to a certain extent. but why do i limit myself to clinging on only to the korean brothers and sisters of this society, of this world? we are all made to love one another no matter what class, gender or race we are.

and what is it that is making me hold back? i've wanted to taste the waters of another well for some long time now, but there's always been something to hold me back and leave me at the same old well that i've been at. it's not like i'm some sort of saviour that might i stay, the walls of the church would come crashing down or the pews will suddenly be packed and joyous hands will be lifted... it's not like that. it is not my church but it is God's. but why do i keep thinking that i can do something to stir this well? why do i feel that if i leave, my absence will be of some significance that i cannot bear to leave? i am not a saviour. i am not God. God is God and the church is His... only He can change it and those within....

now... if only my brothers and sisters would get slapped in the face by SOMETHING to realize what mess they are in! their souls are so dark and angry, so confused, lost and bitter that they have grown to become apathetic about their spirituality and relationship with their first true love.

God... slap them.
slap us.
slap me.

old emails

i am such a pack rat.

recently, i had my room cleaned by two friends who really WANTED to clean my room for me. i was grateful, and i must say, i haven't ever seen my room be so spotless before. but as we were organizing and putting things into garbage bags, i was reminded of how much i hold on to old things for unnecessary periods of time. clothes i'd never wear but hold on to because of some meaning, old pens and stationary, broken jewelry, receipts.. etc.. i always have a hard time letting go of these things.

but even though my closet is a lot more empty now, it doesn't mean that my mind or heart have been cleared of the past.

no matter how much you want to forget and let go of the past, sometimes it creeps upon you without notice. like today, i was just going through old emails and deleting spam, and came across some emails that seemed so genuine and real at the time.. but a couple years later, here i am reading those same words and they have absolutely no truth in them now. it's scary how people's feelings and thoughts change. it just proves that you cannot trust anyone in this world except for God. He is the only one that will never cheat, never fail, never disappoint you.

i hope and pray that i will soon be able to let go of some things in my past. but it's not that easy when i sometimes catch myself digging through the bags of garbage to be thrown out. i think i'm a pack rat in the sense that i strongly think that some things will come back or come in to use someday. but i really must work on that part of myself so that i can move on without any extra baggage... because sometimes it's just so darn heavy.

when to take a seat

today, as i was heading out the door from my brief internship hour at The Voice (a free newspaper for the nonprofit organization, Neighborhood House), i made eye contact with the executive director as he was sitting in his office. i noticed that his door was always wide open - which allowed us to always share hellos and smiles as i made my way out the door.

but today, due to meeting deadlines and preparing for an annual breakfast event, i only stayed in my part of the office for half the time i usually am there. this allowed me to take my time with executive director, Mark, and to sit down and be enlightened.

it was awkward at first, i was standing leaning against the doorway talking to him about the speech he had to prepare, and how i took a speech course once... and we talked about speeches for about 10 minutes. then i realized that this conversation was going to get deeper and more meaningful than i had thought - so i asked if i could take a seat.

and that's when he started talking about non-profits, and what the difference really was, and why he chose to take a cut in wage when he was making double the amount he was now, when he had worked for a government-related job (before Neighborhood House). he also told me about a mentor that might be of help to me, and was extremely helpful when i asked him stupid questions regarding what a non-profit was about, and how i wasn't sure of the field i was going into, and so on.

then he emails me (which was bittersweet; i wanted to send him a thank you note first, but he beat me to it...), giving me another reference and another connection to a different company... he has many friends in high places, i'm assuming. and he asked me to keep him updated on my schooling and interests.

i've never had a real opportunity like this fall onto my lap so randomly, and i almost don't know how to take it. but i'm determined to make this connection a tight one, because i really like the man and he seems very trustworthy.

anyways. i'm just feeling really good about that talk this morning and how encouraging his words were. the conversation was about 40 minutes.

each experience will lead you closer and closer to your ultimate career; the thing you are passionate about. here's a line he just emailed me:

"Along your journey you will amass friends, colleagues and acquaintances who will serve as important resources to you. You will learn to sort out the positive, healthy people and as long as you too are positive and healthy, you will attract those individuals into your life." -Mark Okazaki.

hotels to libraries

i had an extremely brief conversation with a local librarian today as she was on the phone with a librarian at another branch, asking about the book i had put on hold. in between reading out the call number and saying "thank you," she managed to ask me about the book i checked out, if it had to do anything with my major, and if i was planning on taking summer classes. i told her that the book i checked out was to help me on an essay i had to write, and that my major was communications-related, but i didn't know if that was the field i wanted to go into, and that i was looking for an internship and a job this summer.
in return, the lady librarian told me that she declared her major in hotel management, and that she had done some work related to that for several years in vermont, until she figured that it was time to give back to her community in some way. for the past eighteen years, she has been a librarian, and i could tell from the way she talked about it, that being a librarian was her passion. she loves what she does so much.

so, i feel somewhat at ease... a bit more at peace after talking with this stranger with frizzy red hair and glasses. she kind of reminded me of carrie from "sex and the city." i am in no hurry to graduate (especially in these economic times), and i should just shoot for one thing and go at it for a while, until another, stronger passion and desire strikes me.

now the catch is... where do i start? what IS that first desire of mine, and what road do i want to take a drive on first?

rest in peace

my dad told me that today his mother passed away in Korea.

he said it was a good thing that i had gone to see her this past year while i was in Korea from August to January. i wish i had said a more sincere goodbye.

you just never know when your time will come... you only know that it will.

now, i don't have any grandparents. my mom's father died when she was my age, and her mother died a few years ago, along with my dad's father.

i'm sure it's like this with a lot of people out there, but when your loved one loses a loved one, it really hurts. i was never too close with my grandmother in Seoul, but to know that my father now has no parents, and no mother to call once in a while, just hurts me. the same applies to my mom.

i'm supposed to write an obituary, after i've supposedly lived a long and filling life, for a class by this wednesday. in it, i'm supposed to tell of the things that i (would like to) have done, and the things most dear to me, and so on. i haven't thought it about too much yet, but i suppose i should get started soon. it's not supposed to be a depressing assignment though-- instead, it's supposed to help us figure out and map out what is really meaningful to us and what we would have like to accomplished before our time is up...

--
i got back from Boston yesterday to see my best friend graduate from BU. it's amazing how fast time flies and how things have changed throughout the span of just four years of life.

i guess i'm just in wonder and in awe of what time on earth really means, and how long we have. the only answer i can think of is that it is uncertain and we don't know.

letting go but holding on

it's interesting to try to grasp the concept of forgetting someone whom you've shared a meaningful relationship with - whether it be a friendship, boy/girlfriend, mother/father, etc.
usually, you are "letting go" but you don't really want to because of the initial bond that underlies everything else... including all hatred, jealousy, and bitterness.

i know that i have been "let go" of before, and once i realized that our relationship no longer meant what it had been for so many years, i was pretty shocked. devastated, sad and confused, yet shocked above all else because i never would have thought that they would let go so easily. there was no gruesome war or fist fight... which made it really hard to swallow my pride and come to the reality that we were no longer friends, because of that person's choice to let go.

i'm not sure really where i'm going with this, but recently i've been thinking about my relationships with people, and what i mean to them and them to me. some of these people whom i know, i love and care for so much that i will probably never allow myself to let go of them, even if they try to detach themselves from me.
but then again, who knows what could happen? my thoughts can always change...
so i think the only answer is the one i despise most: time.

only through time will you grow to love, and only through time will you slowly lose grip and finally let go.